6th July. 4 years on...

ultimately we're alone. i have friends, i have family, i have colleagues but no-one really cares. i mean they care, but not till it's too late, till after the fact. till after i've done something to myself and then they say why didn't she ask for help? why did she do it? i didn't ask for help cos you've not been in my shoes, you dont understand, you have no idea what i've been through. you know what happened but you don't know. it's not that easy to move on, yes everyone dies, yes you've lost people too but until you tell me your one person has killed themselves in the means that you tried to, that they used your tablets to do this, that they left a letter, not a suicide note, a letter, which contains all their pain. until you tell me this then you don't know. until you tell me this you wont know that i wont ask for help because i feel i deserve all this pain. i wont ask for help because there's nothing you can say that will make me feel better. telling me to move on does not help. saying he's not there at the cemetary, he's in your heart, does not help. i know these things but going brings me comfort so let me do it. wait until you've lost your one person then tell me to move on. but you won't, because then you'll know some of it. it takes as long as it takes to grieve for someone, this you'll know. you may visit the cemetary or crem or special places because you feel closer to them when you're there, this you'll know. when people tell you to move on, you'll say it's only been (however long) and then one day you'll agree you need to but still wont be able to, this you'll know. everyone's experience is different but until you've tried on some of my shoes, you wont know, then when you do it'll be a whole different ballgame. maybe then i'll tell you to move on, maybe then i'll say "why are you doing that? it's not helping" maybe i wont because by then, i'll be like everyone else, i wont care.