So......

It’s taking all I have not to cut myself today.

When will i write about something good or happy? Not today. I’m struggling. Big time. I’ve been on the verge of tears for days and my mood has grown progressively worse. Granted, my eating habits lately haven’t helped but I have still been walking to and from work which is an hour every day, and I was out with a friend for dinner last night, so why am I so bad today that all I can think about is cutting myself? I haven’t done it in a long time, but it’s like an addiction it never really goes away, I don’t have the right knife to do it but I have used other things in the past.
Today I locked myself in the bathroom on the English corridor, sat down on the floor and cried for ages. I knew I wouldn’t be disturbed, it is the holidays after all, and not many people are in school who would use that bathroom since it’s out the way. It reminded me of my last year at uni, where circumstances and the fact I had no close friends doing honours meant I spent many morning breaks doing exactly what I did today. I would go to one of the less used bathrooms, lock myself in a cubicle and just lean against the door or sit until next class. Not many good memories that year I’m afraid and in fact my depression got so bad I dropped out half way through the year.
Tonight I should be at zumba, which I love, but I’m not going despite the fact I know it would probably do me good. It’s the thought of putting on a happy face to friends whilst there, I just can’t do it. I’ll try the happy face thing tomorrow and maybe even the happy writing thing too. Wish me luck.