I have a self-destruct button, you probably do too. Ask yourself, you know it’s there, that part of you that sabotages anything good in your life. We probably all have one but I’m sure some people are more aware of it than others.
I can’t remember exactly when I first pushed mine but sometimes I feel the countdown tick, tick, ticking away and the impending destruction drawing ever nearer. Sometimes I think the ticking has stopped, things will be going well, I’ll feel somewhat in control of my life. Not content, but happy with how things are. Still wanting more, like a boyfriend a driving licence a holiday a nicer place to live, but without these things still feeling happy with my lot.
When I’m in that place I can’t help myself I push it again. I don’t even know I’ve done it sometimes until I realise I’m in trouble and i look back and think, yet again, I’ve brought it on myself. I have this belief buried deep, deep down inside of me that I don’t deserve to be happy which is crazy right? I can say to myself over and over I deserve happiness as much as the next person but I don’t believe it. And that’s where the problem lies. You can tell me, quite a few have, that I deserve to be happy till you’re blue in the face and I will agree with you very convincingly but inside my brain’s going “yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah” does any of this seem familiar? I can’t be the only one?
Sometimes it’s very subtle like being increasingly late for work, slowly dropping out of contact with people. Might not seem much but when you end up stressed because you’re late you feel a failure because normal people can get into work on time. Withdrawing into isolation allows agoraphobia to take hold again and the next thing you know you’re off work for months. There are more obvious signs of self-destruction like over-eating and drinking then making myself sick, self-harm, hurting people around me so they hate me so I can hate myself. I could go on.
My button has had me in various stages of self-destruction, the worst time I was close to death, right on the edge. I took an overdose and they didn’t know if I would pull through, it was 50/50 but somehow I did and I still wonder why.
Lately things have gotten bad and I realised I must’ve pressed it again because things were going well and maybe I was getting too cocky so I had to take myself down a peg or two. Heaven forbid something goes right in my life! How far will this countdown take me? i dont know, time will tell. At least i realise i'm doing it when i'm doing it, i just dont have the inclination or the willpower to stop myself yet, but i will, and that's the important bit eh? Hopefully sooner rather than later Tina.
I can’t remember exactly when I first pushed mine but sometimes I feel the countdown tick, tick, ticking away and the impending destruction drawing ever nearer. Sometimes I think the ticking has stopped, things will be going well, I’ll feel somewhat in control of my life. Not content, but happy with how things are. Still wanting more, like a boyfriend a driving licence a holiday a nicer place to live, but without these things still feeling happy with my lot.
When I’m in that place I can’t help myself I push it again. I don’t even know I’ve done it sometimes until I realise I’m in trouble and i look back and think, yet again, I’ve brought it on myself. I have this belief buried deep, deep down inside of me that I don’t deserve to be happy which is crazy right? I can say to myself over and over I deserve happiness as much as the next person but I don’t believe it. And that’s where the problem lies. You can tell me, quite a few have, that I deserve to be happy till you’re blue in the face and I will agree with you very convincingly but inside my brain’s going “yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah” does any of this seem familiar? I can’t be the only one?
Sometimes it’s very subtle like being increasingly late for work, slowly dropping out of contact with people. Might not seem much but when you end up stressed because you’re late you feel a failure because normal people can get into work on time. Withdrawing into isolation allows agoraphobia to take hold again and the next thing you know you’re off work for months. There are more obvious signs of self-destruction like over-eating and drinking then making myself sick, self-harm, hurting people around me so they hate me so I can hate myself. I could go on.
My button has had me in various stages of self-destruction, the worst time I was close to death, right on the edge. I took an overdose and they didn’t know if I would pull through, it was 50/50 but somehow I did and I still wonder why.
Lately things have gotten bad and I realised I must’ve pressed it again because things were going well and maybe I was getting too cocky so I had to take myself down a peg or two. Heaven forbid something goes right in my life! How far will this countdown take me? i dont know, time will tell. At least i realise i'm doing it when i'm doing it, i just dont have the inclination or the willpower to stop myself yet, but i will, and that's the important bit eh? Hopefully sooner rather than later Tina.
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