still in control

I gave in last night. I cut myself. I wasn’t particularly distraught, I hadn’t been drinking, nothing else had happened that sent me over the edge. I just did it. I mean I wasn’t in the best of moods. I was low, very low, but still felt in control, I was very calm about the whole thing. I decided to cut because I just wanted to stop fighting it, that’s all. It’s all I’ve been thinking about lately and I just thought what the hell. I felt numb and thought if I did it then maybe I’d at least feel something. I didn’t though. I didn’t get the usual release or satisfaction from it which I suppose is a good sign because if I’m getting nothing from it then why do it? I’m not even upset at myself for giving in to it. It’s been over 3 years since I last cut myself so i know I should think I’m an arse for giving in this time but I just don’t care. I’m not saying this means anything, that self-harm’s lost its hold over me, because I know I can quite easily give in when I’m distraught, or when I’ve been drinking and someone looks at me the wrong way, and lets face it life isn’t plain sailing so the next time I’m upset I could fall back into it easily. That will be the challenge, the real test. This time it wasn’t too big a deal. In my eyes anyway.