In May I started seeing a herbalist so I could go on an anti-candida diet. The aim was to improve my eating habits, help my mood and lower my anxiety, to hopefully have better sleep and generally feel better and have more energy. I know this restrictive diet has these effects because I did it about 7 years ago.
For 3 weeks I was super strict, followed the regimen to the letter. I was feeling better, in control, and enjoying eating well. Then my mum died and for the first few days staying at my sister’s I kept to the diet but the day before the funeral things changed. Through June and July I have tried to regain control but keep faltering, the willpower is just not there. Ok, I’ve got an excuse, but still.
Take this weekend for example, it’s by far the worst I’ve strayed from the diet since I started it. I’ve had a whole chocolate cake, umpteen packets of wotsits, big bar cadbury’s caramel, I’ve had fizzy juice, wine, white bread, cheese, super noodles. Tonight I had half a chinese chicken curry and a bag of chicken balls, half a big bag of popcorn and a large bar of fruit and nut. ALL of which I should not be eating.
It’s not like a normal diet to lose weight, I don’t believe in them, it’s a diet to rid my body of yeast, sugar being one of the things which feeds the yeast making it prolific and problematic. See why I shouldn’t be eating ANY of these things? It’s this self-destruct button. I know following the diet will make my life so much easier but that part of me says “fuck you, you don’t deserve to feel good and be happy” so I sabotage myself not just a little bit, oh no, I go all out. Of course, eating all that food isn’t good for you so I throw most of it back up which is sooo much fun and makes me more miserable. Doing this makes me feel a failure and so I struggle with willpower and it just goes round in circles. Yay me! Tomorrow I will endeavour to start again and possibly start a new circle of good things. Maybe.
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