What to say? My mum died and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Yesterday I went with flowers to the cemetery where my ex is buried and I sat there for some time hoping some emotion would rise. It did, but not what I expected.
Anger.
I know it’s a part of the grieving process, I was angry at so many things. The main feelings of anger were at my ex for having left me here alone, but even then I had this rage that for being with him 13 years and it now being almost 4 years since he passed, that I’m sitting at the grave of someone who lied, cheated and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I know he loved me, he just didn’t treat me well, and I let him. Cue the anger at myself. I left the graveside but found a bench where I sat for over an hour waiting till I felt I could come home and stay safe that I wouldn’t act on my anger and hurt myself.
I know I’ll go back and visit the grave again but yesterday I honestly thought “I’m over it, this is stupid” I told my best friend this today and she high-fived me. She doesn’t think going there helps me and doesn’t understand what it does for me. Does it still help me? I don’t know anymore. Guess I’ll find out in time.
Yesterday I went with flowers to the cemetery where my ex is buried and I sat there for some time hoping some emotion would rise. It did, but not what I expected.
Anger.
I know it’s a part of the grieving process, I was angry at so many things. The main feelings of anger were at my ex for having left me here alone, but even then I had this rage that for being with him 13 years and it now being almost 4 years since he passed, that I’m sitting at the grave of someone who lied, cheated and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I know he loved me, he just didn’t treat me well, and I let him. Cue the anger at myself. I left the graveside but found a bench where I sat for over an hour waiting till I felt I could come home and stay safe that I wouldn’t act on my anger and hurt myself.
I know I’ll go back and visit the grave again but yesterday I honestly thought “I’m over it, this is stupid” I told my best friend this today and she high-fived me. She doesn’t think going there helps me and doesn’t understand what it does for me. Does it still help me? I don’t know anymore. Guess I’ll find out in time.
No comments:
Post a Comment