still in control

I gave in last night. I cut myself. I wasn’t particularly distraught, I hadn’t been drinking, nothing else had happened that sent me over the edge. I just did it. I mean I wasn’t in the best of moods. I was low, very low, but still felt in control, I was very calm about the whole thing. I decided to cut because I just wanted to stop fighting it, that’s all. It’s all I’ve been thinking about lately and I just thought what the hell. I felt numb and thought if I did it then maybe I’d at least feel something. I didn’t though. I didn’t get the usual release or satisfaction from it which I suppose is a good sign because if I’m getting nothing from it then why do it? I’m not even upset at myself for giving in to it. It’s been over 3 years since I last cut myself so i know I should think I’m an arse for giving in this time but I just don’t care. I’m not saying this means anything, that self-harm’s lost its hold over me, because I know I can quite easily give in when I’m distraught, or when I’ve been drinking and someone looks at me the wrong way, and lets face it life isn’t plain sailing so the next time I’m upset I could fall back into it easily. That will be the challenge, the real test. This time it wasn’t too big a deal. In my eyes anyway.

that'll do nicely

I broke down at work today, thinking about my mum. I couldn’t stop crying although I was holding back because my boss was in the room. She died at the end of May but it’s only now the reality is sinking in. When we finished work I got the bus up town instead of walking home, I just didn’t have it in me. I went to the shops and bought a knife. Not my usual brand, they didn’t have those, but one that will suffice. It’s all I’ve been thinking about but I haven’t used it yet.

So......

It’s taking all I have not to cut myself today.

When will i write about something good or happy? Not today. I’m struggling. Big time. I’ve been on the verge of tears for days and my mood has grown progressively worse. Granted, my eating habits lately haven’t helped but I have still been walking to and from work which is an hour every day, and I was out with a friend for dinner last night, so why am I so bad today that all I can think about is cutting myself? I haven’t done it in a long time, but it’s like an addiction it never really goes away, I don’t have the right knife to do it but I have used other things in the past.
Today I locked myself in the bathroom on the English corridor, sat down on the floor and cried for ages. I knew I wouldn’t be disturbed, it is the holidays after all, and not many people are in school who would use that bathroom since it’s out the way. It reminded me of my last year at uni, where circumstances and the fact I had no close friends doing honours meant I spent many morning breaks doing exactly what I did today. I would go to one of the less used bathrooms, lock myself in a cubicle and just lean against the door or sit until next class. Not many good memories that year I’m afraid and in fact my depression got so bad I dropped out half way through the year.
Tonight I should be at zumba, which I love, but I’m not going despite the fact I know it would probably do me good. It’s the thought of putting on a happy face to friends whilst there, I just can’t do it. I’ll try the happy face thing tomorrow and maybe even the happy writing thing too. Wish me luck.

maybe tomorrow

In May I started seeing a herbalist so I could go on an anti-candida diet. The aim was to improve my eating habits, help my mood and lower my anxiety, to hopefully have better sleep and generally feel better and have more energy. I know this restrictive diet has these effects because I did it about 7 years ago.
For 3 weeks I was super strict, followed the regimen to the letter. I was feeling better, in control, and enjoying eating well. Then my mum died and for the first few days staying at my sister’s I kept to the diet but the day before the funeral things changed. Through June and July I have tried to regain control but keep faltering, the willpower is just not there. Ok, I’ve got an excuse, but still.
Take this weekend for example, it’s by far the worst I’ve strayed from the diet since I started it. I’ve had a whole chocolate cake, umpteen packets of wotsits, big bar cadbury’s caramel, I’ve had fizzy juice, wine, white bread, cheese, super noodles. Tonight I had half a chinese chicken curry and a bag of chicken balls, half a big bag of popcorn and a large bar of fruit and nut. ALL of which I should not be eating.
It’s not like a normal diet to lose weight, I don’t believe in them, it’s a diet to rid my body of yeast, sugar being one of the things which feeds the yeast making it prolific and problematic. See why I shouldn’t be eating ANY of these things? It’s this self-destruct button. I know following the diet will make my life so much easier but that part of me says “fuck you, you don’t deserve to feel good and be happy” so I sabotage myself not just a little bit, oh no, I go all out. Of course, eating all that food isn’t good for you so I throw most of it back up which is sooo much fun and makes me more miserable. Doing this makes me feel a failure and so I struggle with willpower and it just goes round in circles. Yay me! Tomorrow I will endeavour to start again and possibly start a new circle of good things. Maybe.

self-destruct in t minus………

I have a self-destruct button, you probably do too. Ask yourself, you know it’s there, that part of you that sabotages anything good in your life. We probably all have one but I’m sure some people are more aware of it than others.
I can’t remember exactly when I first pushed mine but sometimes I feel the countdown tick, tick, ticking away and the impending destruction drawing ever nearer. Sometimes I think the ticking has stopped, things will be going well, I’ll feel somewhat in control of my life. Not content, but happy with how things are. Still wanting more, like a boyfriend a driving licence a holiday a nicer place to live, but without these things still feeling happy with my lot.
When I’m in that place I can’t help myself I push it again. I don’t even know I’ve done it sometimes until I realise I’m in trouble and i look back and think, yet again, I’ve brought it on myself. I have this belief buried deep, deep down inside of me that I don’t deserve to be happy which is crazy right? I can say to myself over and over I deserve happiness as much as the next person but I don’t believe it. And that’s where the problem lies. You can tell me, quite a few have, that I deserve to be happy till you’re blue in the face and I will agree with you very convincingly but inside my brain’s going “yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah” does any of this seem familiar? I can’t be the only one?
Sometimes it’s very subtle like being increasingly late for work, slowly dropping out of contact with people. Might not seem much but when you end up stressed because you’re late you feel a failure because normal people can get into work on time. Withdrawing into isolation allows agoraphobia to take hold again and the next thing you know you’re off work for months. There are more obvious signs of self-destruction like over-eating and drinking then making myself sick, self-harm, hurting people around me so they hate me so I can hate myself. I could go on.
My button has had me in various stages of self-destruction, the worst time I was close to death, right on the edge. I took an overdose and they didn’t know if I would pull through, it was 50/50 but somehow I did and I still wonder why.
Lately things have gotten bad and I realised I must’ve pressed it again because things were going well and maybe I was getting too cocky so I had to take myself down a peg or two. Heaven forbid something goes right in my life! How far will this countdown take me? i dont know, time will tell. At least i realise i'm doing it when i'm doing it, i just dont have the inclination or the willpower to stop myself yet, but i will, and that's the important bit eh? Hopefully sooner rather than later Tina.

he's just not that into you

it's sat night, i woke up this morning and couldn't face the day so i stayed in bed till lunchtime, not sleeping, but wishing i could just sleep the day away. my phone had rung several times and i ignored it, didn't want to speak to anyone. It was my brother and i figured he would keep calling if i didn't respond in some way. i texted him and said i wasn't in a good way and that i'd prob be in bed all day. he tried calling again. he then sent a text saying it was a shame cos he was in dunfermline and had something he wanted to drop off.
ok Tina, get up.
he came round for a cuppa and gave me a money pot for my birthday. it's really sweet, a pot of dreams it's called. anyways we had a blether and he went home.
i was still feeling shit.
i'd tried reaching out to some friends but to no avail. i appear to have done something to weird out my best friend cos she's been funny with me all week.
one friend responded but she's going through a hellish time too and i knew she had plans but at least she acknowledged she couldn't be much help.
i had tweeted earlier when i was in bed but couldn't get on twitter so when i later checked i had messages of support from friends on there. funny how people you've never met can give more support than your nearest and dearest.
i haven't showered today and in fact put my pyjamas on when i got up and have been in them all day but i don't care. i've done nothing apart from watch films and tweet. i have eaten nothing but junk today which i realise is a warning sign and my mood is getting worse again so the fight is back on. as if wanting to stay in bed wasn't a loud enough warning bell!
so i watched "He's Just Not That Into You" i'd seen it at the cinema with the girls and really enjoyed it. It's a good film with a lot of interesting points. i've fallen for a lot of the shit that the female lead has fallen for and it makes me wonder why people play so many mind games. i mean why cant we just say "i like you" or "no thanks" it's way worse to be strung along until you're severely pissed off and there's no hope of you ever remaining friends. i think i might watch it periodically whenever i'm watching my phone for texts or checking my e-mail or even when i'm looking out for someone on twitter if that ever leads to the possibility of meeting someone. after watching it i logged into bebo and sent a message to my family saying i'm never on it and that i was deleting my account. so i did, because at one point in the film drew barrymore's character talks about having to check so many things to see if he's been in touch that being let down by so much technology is exhausting. i can relate. so i'm reducing the technology with which i can be disappointed by.
i used to say to guys who asked for my number "i'll be here next week, if you're here then we'll talk" probably bit callous but realistic, i didn't want to give my number out to just anyone. what happened to that girl? I've been used, and my mind has been played with too many times and now i've just about had enough. whenever i feel i'm driving myself crazy with the "will he text?" i'm gonna watch it and remind myself that if he really is that into me then i wouldn't be fretting about it cos he would already be in touch.

men, pfftt

i'm so sick of guys. what the fuck did i ever do to get this life?

today i'm annoyed because a 'friend' has been texting and i'm annoyed at him only texting when he's bored. it's not like that, we’re not having sex. we've kissed but it was only a drunken snog, it didn’t mean anything. i'm angry because for the last few years he would only get in touch when he broke up with his girlfriend, she didn't like him having friends, let alone a female one. She thought we had history. Yeah, we do, he was one of my boyfriend’s best pals! I asked him to take a cord at the funeral. In the 1st year I wrongly thought I’d be able to talk to him and I’m angry he wasn’t there for me cos we were friends too, and now he gets in touch every so often and I just think “fuck you! What? You’ve split up again?” and then I have to listen to his woes. And I do it cos I’m a fucking idiot. That, and there is a bit more history and I feel like he thinks I like him as more than a friend (which I don’t, I hadn’t had a snog for ages!! ) so when he texts it’s like he’s getting an ego boost and he really needs to get over himself.

Then there’s this guy I liked who gave me his number when my mum died and said if I needed to talk to use it. We got chatting and things were going ok, he liked me too. I started telling friends about this guy I liked and that we were gonna go out when things settled down. Yeah things have settled down, so settled in fact I hardly hear from him. What the actual fuck???? Why give me your number? I just don’t get it? He’s been quiet on social networking too which is where I met him, he said he’d been feeling down so maybe it’s not just me but I’m still thinking “eh?” I mean I’ve met him in person twice on nights out now and there’s chemistry but I’m now so in the dark and it’s doing my head in.

Over the last few years EVERY guy I’ve met has been a dick so what am I doing that I’m attracting them? There’s not been many, but they have been arses. This on the back of being with a guy for 13 years who treated me like shit. So how do I change this? Or ARE all men bastards? Answers on a postcard please!

6th July. 4 years on...

ultimately we're alone. i have friends, i have family, i have colleagues but no-one really cares. i mean they care, but not till it's too late, till after the fact. till after i've done something to myself and then they say why didn't she ask for help? why did she do it? i didn't ask for help cos you've not been in my shoes, you dont understand, you have no idea what i've been through. you know what happened but you don't know. it's not that easy to move on, yes everyone dies, yes you've lost people too but until you tell me your one person has killed themselves in the means that you tried to, that they used your tablets to do this, that they left a letter, not a suicide note, a letter, which contains all their pain. until you tell me this then you don't know. until you tell me this you wont know that i wont ask for help because i feel i deserve all this pain. i wont ask for help because there's nothing you can say that will make me feel better. telling me to move on does not help. saying he's not there at the cemetary, he's in your heart, does not help. i know these things but going brings me comfort so let me do it. wait until you've lost your one person then tell me to move on. but you won't, because then you'll know some of it. it takes as long as it takes to grieve for someone, this you'll know. you may visit the cemetary or crem or special places because you feel closer to them when you're there, this you'll know. when people tell you to move on, you'll say it's only been (however long) and then one day you'll agree you need to but still wont be able to, this you'll know. everyone's experience is different but until you've tried on some of my shoes, you wont know, then when you do it'll be a whole different ballgame. maybe then i'll tell you to move on, maybe then i'll say "why are you doing that? it's not helping" maybe i wont because by then, i'll be like everyone else, i wont care.