Countdown to Xmas.

It's 11.11pm 17th December 2012. Xmas is almost here.
For the last few years I've asked not to participate because I hate it. Not all of it. I love my family, I love seeing my younger great nieces and nephews but truthfully on xmas i don't see them for long because there's so many and because, well, they're kids, they're playing with their new toys in their own homes and that's how it should be because it's all about kids isn't it?
I normally give in and go join in, stay with family, placate everyone, keep them happy because God forbid I should be alone at Xmas. But this year yet again I've had major problems with depression. Physical illness too. Problems returning to work. I also hit 40, it didn't bother me, I'd been depressed for months, I don't care for birthdays now, not since my ex killed himself 3 days after my 34th. Four of my best pals turned 40 too and a few others too. Two of my best pals and my brother got married, I'm happy for them, slightly jealous because they have someone and I don't but I'm happy for them. They're happy. I want to be happy, i don't want to just settle for anyone but having a date or two might be nice, i don't have to marry them but i've not met anyone who's remotely floated my boat in years but that's besides the point. Anyways, It's been a very expensive year with all these events. One in which I was off work since January and still haven't got back on my feet. I know Xmas is not about money, not about giving to receive, but I HATE receiving without giving. HATE it. I HATE not HAVING anything to give. I have nothing. Not even joy. I fake it most of the time and no-one notices, and it's exhausting. I just don't want to go through and see my family. I love them but it hurts. It reminds me my mum and dad aren't there and my shithead ex isn't there. It makes me wonder who's next, it makes me think please let it be me because I can't stand any more pain. I want to die, but I don't. I know it doesn't make sense but there it is. Any time I mention staying home alone I get dismissed. It makes me stubborn. I've wanted to stay home alone since before my ex died, since before mum died. Since my dad actually. Why can't I just this once? Why can't i get my own way? Why is it such a big deal? It's just a day.
The crux of it is I don't want Xmas this year because after Xmas is new year, another torture. Then it's 2013.

On February 23rd 2013 my dad will have been gone for ten years. I can't see that day. Every day nearer to Xmas is nearer to new year and nearer to February. I know it will never happen but I want him back. I've not been the same since he died, before that actually, but that did it. It broke me.
That's why I'd rather stay home alone and pretend it's just another day because I can't face the reality of the reminders of what's coming. It's easy to understand why suicide rates spike at this time of year. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I'm not saying I'm not. I just understand firsthand the pain that drives you there because i tried and almost died, and I understand firsthand the pain it causes because of my ex. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn.
I just want Xmas to go away but in reality I'll play along because it's expected. It will take its toll as usual but no-one will know. I'll fake the joy, then I'll cut the pain away, drown it in drugs and pretend like everything is fine.
I'm actually wondering whether to run away. How ridiculous is that?

It's now the 18th. Another day closer. Fuck.

Losing the fight.

I'm a loser. I've always been a loser, I'll always be a loser. This is fact, right? This is how I felt about myself since I was in primary school. The fact I lost all my friends when I went to high school didn't help. Not because we fell out (apart from my besties but that's another story) we were just put in different classes and i never really saw them again. So I made new friends, some of the best friends I ever had. My best pal from 2nd yr onwards is one of the most genuine honest, caring, intelligent and FUNNY people you'll ever meet. After losing my best friends from primary It took me a long time to realise she actually wanted to be my friend rather than just being a friend of convenience (saying that now seems ridiculous because she's just not that type of person) because in 2nd year we just kind of sat together on the first day. Having been in a couple classes together in first year we didn't know each other well, but well enough to say "hi, can I sit here?" and we hit it off. Alienating an older brother and sister for choosing a different high school from them made home life hell as well as the fact problems were starting with my mum and I. All this added up to the fact I felt I didn't belong anywhere. My best friend was too good for me, i had and still have an inferiority complex about it. I did ok in school. 9 O' Grades, 4 Highers, some would say that's better than ok. I went on to college and got my BSc Degree in Chemistry with Business Studies despite crippling depression, although that beat me the following year and I dropped out of my Honours year. I got a few jobs before I became a technician then I went back to Uni to get my Postgraduate Certificate in Education and I became a high school Chemistry teacher for couple years. Bad home life, depression and poor school support meant I gave up teaching which I did enjoy and was good at and went back to technician life. During all this time I've had crippling bouts of depression over and over. I try to see school and Uni as achievements but I can't. I try to maintain friendships but I fail. Work is going terribly, I'm ill and off a lot, just a matter of time before I lose that. I tell myself if I do it's not the end of the world. I've been through worse. My parents are dead. I found my partner dead, I had to become bankrupt and I lost our home. I picked myself up so I should be able to do it again right? Except I don't have any fight left. I'm so tired of it. I don't want to fight against the current that's dragging me down anymore. Class A drugs have never seemed so appealing. They do now. I try to tell myself I'm a good person. I'd do anything for anyone, I do good deeds, I help strangers out, I have a big heart that got repeatedly stomped on but I have it. So why do all these bad things happen to me? Why am I a magnet? I've been raped, sexually assaulted, threatened with rape and death, I've been assaulted a couple times. Had a house I was watching broken into while I was in it asleep with my little niece staying over too (but the hounds of hell wouldn't have been able to hurt her, I can be feral too!) I no longer feel safe anywhere, I've been emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. All this, depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Tell me, what did I ever do? I was born a loser, I'll die one. Sooner rather than later I think, it just feels inevitable. I don't know how to stop it. One day at a time I guess. Cliched but there it is. This is just a rambling rant not making any sense. Thank feck no-one reads it!! Another day where depression is winning. Yay. I've no fight in me today.

Choices

I feel like I'm on a precipice, staring into the abyss and I'm going to jump.
I'm impulsive, always have been, always scared to go too close to the edge of cliffs or walk over high bridges, even standing on verandas high up makes me nervous because I want to jump. As a passenger in a car i want to grab steering wheels, stick my hand out train windows (most trains dont have openable winfows in the uk now, in my area anyways) put my hand on a hot electric cooker ring.
I've always done stupid things to see how much they would hurt. And I hurt myself deliberately.
But standing on this precipice this time I feel it could go either way.
I could plummet into the depths and go down into that dark place, get lost for a while and the cycle of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation will keep me churning for a while. I'll torture myself just as much as the illnesses will torture me. I'll become a shell, maybe this time I'll finally lose my job, probably my friends and most likely my life.
It feels so close, like my toes are tipping over the edge.
Or it could be that because I'm so close to tipping I'll move away from the edge, start fighting for some semblance of life. Let my friends and family know that I care about them rather than pushing them away like I've been doing, because if they hate me then it'd be easier on them when I go right? Wrong. It's never easy on those left behind. But then I won't be here to worry about it. Decisions decisions. I don't know if I've gone too far, if my life, any sort of life, is even recoverable anymore, I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm failing in everything I do. My mental and physical health is poor. Changes desperately need to be made but I don't know where to start. Do they do complete life makeovers? Or is that reincarnation?
The equilibrium is changing day to day, hour to hour even. I can't tell which way I'm going. So I'll stay here, teetering, until something sends me one way or the other.

Coping. Really? Today the pic is me.

I had an attendance meeting yesterday and I'm going down to 4 days a week for a few months to see if that helps take pressure off. I have a migraine today so I'm off work. Again. I'm up for painkillers and the toilet so I'm typing this. I'm not sure I'm going to see Xmas this year. I don't want to see Xmas this year. If anything I'd rather knock myself out for a couple of days till it's all over and miss the whole hoohaa but it's not allowed. I tried the last few years to have Xmas my way but doc, psychologist, friends, family, all say otherwise. Why? I don't deserve them, they sure as hell don't deserve a waste of space like me. I'm broken. Have been for a long, long time. Since high school? Before then? I'm not sure. Well, I have ideas but they're not getting told just now. I also have mental illness which means my brain chemistry is off and some days that just means bad days and other days its all out to kill me. I feel like maybe I should be cleaning house, sorting my affairs, I'm not sure how much longer I can last because today I just want to give in to my brain and put my plan into action and get the hell out of here. Into some plot in the cold ground. That's today. That's why I've cut myself, taken my migraine meds and a sleeping tablet and some diazepam to knock myself out. Keep myself safe so that maybe tomorrow my outlook will be different.
I'm not sure which way I want it to be.

The good news or the bad news.

Saw my doc last Friday and while I was there I asked if blood test results came back yet. I was getting tested for thyroid, hypoglycemia, liver function etc because despite coming off antidepressants i still feel exhausted all the time, headachey and generally crap although other side effects are gone. Doc said on fri that my blood tests came back ok. Got letter from surgery today to call. Severely anaemic. Braw. Doc wasn't looking for that though so I guess she didn't notice that result or it wasn't in yet. So, iron tablets for the foreseeable. Yet another thing to deal with. The hits keep on coming!! It does go some way to explaining why i've been so physically ill on top of my depression though. Now for some good news! After HR meeting last week the peeps went back to their bosses and because I was so forthright and accepting that my attendance has to improve and offered to cut my hours they're downgrading me to a stage A meeting rather than stage B, so that's good news. Talked it over with my psychologist and she thinks my proposal to do a 4 day week is a good idea. So maybe Wed off for 3 months then a mon or fri off for three months so i can do a 4 day in a row stint, then full time. Hopefully the anaemia/depression and everything will settle down in that time and i won't be catching everything going and energy levels will be improved, fingers crossed my mood will be too. Feeling hopeful. Xxx

It's a guid 'un

Bought a new knife the other day. Using it for the first time because i wanted to try it out and also because I've come to the realisation that certain people are not who they say they are and this upsets me. It was fairly cheap, from asda I think, but a good make. Much better than the b&q one I was using, it wasn't sharp enough. I never felt I bled enough which was frustrating and didn't calm me enough. This one is good. Probably means I'll cut less because it cuts better. Yep, def cut less and calmer at the sight of decent amount of blood. I can sleep easier now.

In support of Kim.

I love this lady, i know some of the pain her and her family are going through. She's so brave to write this blog and i agree with everything she says. I'm tired of people thinking mental illness is something you can just give yourself a shake from, it's not. It's an ILLNESS!

Awareness is poor, this has to change.

Mental illness is deadly and shouldn't be swept under the carpet any longer. No-one would choose to suffer from mental illness just as no-one asks for cancer/heart disease/strokes/addictions etc I've suffered since my teens and still feel sometimes no-one understands and am told that if i just think positive everything will be fine. It won't be. You know why? Because no matter how positive i am one day, the next day my brain might be trying to kill me. I don't get any say in the matter. I have no idea what i'm going to wake up like or if i even want to wake up at all.

You tell me you haven't ever thought of suicide?

Even for the briefest time?

Of course you have, most people do at some point in their lives so why don't we talk about it?

Maybe because you got through it ok, it was a passing phase, you gave yourself a shake? So it can't really be all that serious surely? Wrong. For some people it's not a passing phase, it's a riptide with a current pulling at you relentlessly until you go under. It's God's will whether you come back up or not. Thankfully Kim's son was found in time and because she's so strong and her family is strong he'll find the strength too and I hope to God this was a one-time attempt and that he can learn to manage his illness and lead a good life and get through those toughest of days when you're in the darkest of places and there is no light, no voice, nothing can touch you except that part of your brain that wants to kill you. It's such a struggle, so exhausting. But he's not alone and that's the important part. He has people who understand what he's going through and they're supporting him and talking to him and showing him that it can be done. He'll still have those toughest of days though and those, those, i don't really have the words to convey properly how terrible they are.

So can we please start talking about it? Let's not sweep things under the carpet anymore shall we? Let's make it easier for people to ask for support or time-out, lets not make people feel like they have to hide it. Mental illness is not something to be ashamed about or apologise for, I can't tell you how many apologies I make for being ill. No more. If you are embarrassed when i talk about my illness (and most of you know i'm really open and actually quite blase about it) If you don't want to recognise that I have this illness, then you are denying knowing the real me, and I'm told i can be pretty awesome at times. I know Kim's awesome and so are many of my other friends I've met (mostly online) that are dealing with mental illness and i can guarantee Kim's son is awesome too, he has to be, he shares her genes.

If anyone out there actually reads this and recognises themselves in it, please, seek help, from me, from Kim, from the NHS if you want, there are so many people that can help, you don't have to suffer in silence, you shouldn't have to suffer in silence. There are too many precious lives lost and damaged because it's not taken seriously.

I will take you seriously.