Coping. Really? Today the pic is me.

I had an attendance meeting yesterday and I'm going down to 4 days a week for a few months to see if that helps take pressure off. I have a migraine today so I'm off work. Again. I'm up for painkillers and the toilet so I'm typing this. I'm not sure I'm going to see Xmas this year. I don't want to see Xmas this year. If anything I'd rather knock myself out for a couple of days till it's all over and miss the whole hoohaa but it's not allowed. I tried the last few years to have Xmas my way but doc, psychologist, friends, family, all say otherwise. Why? I don't deserve them, they sure as hell don't deserve a waste of space like me. I'm broken. Have been for a long, long time. Since high school? Before then? I'm not sure. Well, I have ideas but they're not getting told just now. I also have mental illness which means my brain chemistry is off and some days that just means bad days and other days its all out to kill me. I feel like maybe I should be cleaning house, sorting my affairs, I'm not sure how much longer I can last because today I just want to give in to my brain and put my plan into action and get the hell out of here. Into some plot in the cold ground. That's today. That's why I've cut myself, taken my migraine meds and a sleeping tablet and some diazepam to knock myself out. Keep myself safe so that maybe tomorrow my outlook will be different.
I'm not sure which way I want it to be.