Countdown to Xmas.

It's 11.11pm 17th December 2012. Xmas is almost here.
For the last few years I've asked not to participate because I hate it. Not all of it. I love my family, I love seeing my younger great nieces and nephews but truthfully on xmas i don't see them for long because there's so many and because, well, they're kids, they're playing with their new toys in their own homes and that's how it should be because it's all about kids isn't it?
I normally give in and go join in, stay with family, placate everyone, keep them happy because God forbid I should be alone at Xmas. But this year yet again I've had major problems with depression. Physical illness too. Problems returning to work. I also hit 40, it didn't bother me, I'd been depressed for months, I don't care for birthdays now, not since my ex killed himself 3 days after my 34th. Four of my best pals turned 40 too and a few others too. Two of my best pals and my brother got married, I'm happy for them, slightly jealous because they have someone and I don't but I'm happy for them. They're happy. I want to be happy, i don't want to just settle for anyone but having a date or two might be nice, i don't have to marry them but i've not met anyone who's remotely floated my boat in years but that's besides the point. Anyways, It's been a very expensive year with all these events. One in which I was off work since January and still haven't got back on my feet. I know Xmas is not about money, not about giving to receive, but I HATE receiving without giving. HATE it. I HATE not HAVING anything to give. I have nothing. Not even joy. I fake it most of the time and no-one notices, and it's exhausting. I just don't want to go through and see my family. I love them but it hurts. It reminds me my mum and dad aren't there and my shithead ex isn't there. It makes me wonder who's next, it makes me think please let it be me because I can't stand any more pain. I want to die, but I don't. I know it doesn't make sense but there it is. Any time I mention staying home alone I get dismissed. It makes me stubborn. I've wanted to stay home alone since before my ex died, since before mum died. Since my dad actually. Why can't I just this once? Why can't i get my own way? Why is it such a big deal? It's just a day.
The crux of it is I don't want Xmas this year because after Xmas is new year, another torture. Then it's 2013.

On February 23rd 2013 my dad will have been gone for ten years. I can't see that day. Every day nearer to Xmas is nearer to new year and nearer to February. I know it will never happen but I want him back. I've not been the same since he died, before that actually, but that did it. It broke me.
That's why I'd rather stay home alone and pretend it's just another day because I can't face the reality of the reminders of what's coming. It's easy to understand why suicide rates spike at this time of year. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I'm not saying I'm not. I just understand firsthand the pain that drives you there because i tried and almost died, and I understand firsthand the pain it causes because of my ex. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn.
I just want Xmas to go away but in reality I'll play along because it's expected. It will take its toll as usual but no-one will know. I'll fake the joy, then I'll cut the pain away, drown it in drugs and pretend like everything is fine.
I'm actually wondering whether to run away. How ridiculous is that?

It's now the 18th. Another day closer. Fuck.