I'm impulsive, always have been, always scared to go too close to the edge of cliffs or walk over high bridges, even standing on verandas high up makes me nervous because I want to jump. As a passenger in a car i want to grab steering wheels, stick my hand out train windows (most trains dont have openable winfows in the uk now, in my area anyways) put my hand on a hot electric cooker ring.
I've always done stupid things to see how much they would hurt. And I hurt myself deliberately.
But standing on this precipice this time I feel it could go either way.
I could plummet into the depths and go down into that dark place, get lost for a while and the cycle of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation will keep me churning for a while. I'll torture myself just as much as the illnesses will torture me. I'll become a shell, maybe this time I'll finally lose my job, probably my friends and most likely my life.
It feels so close, like my toes are tipping over the edge.
Or it could be that because I'm so close to tipping I'll move away from the edge, start fighting for some semblance of life. Let my friends and family know that I care about them rather than pushing them away like I've been doing, because if they hate me then it'd be easier on them when I go right? Wrong. It's never easy on those left behind. But then I won't be here to worry about it. Decisions decisions. I don't know if I've gone too far, if my life, any sort of life, is even recoverable anymore, I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm failing in everything I do. My mental and physical health is poor. Changes desperately need to be made but I don't know where to start. Do they do complete life makeovers? Or is that reincarnation?
The equilibrium is changing day to day, hour to hour even. I can't tell which way I'm going. So I'll stay here, teetering, until something sends me one way or the other.
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