Losing the fight.

I'm a loser. I've always been a loser, I'll always be a loser. This is fact, right? This is how I felt about myself since I was in primary school. The fact I lost all my friends when I went to high school didn't help. Not because we fell out (apart from my besties but that's another story) we were just put in different classes and i never really saw them again. So I made new friends, some of the best friends I ever had. My best pal from 2nd yr onwards is one of the most genuine honest, caring, intelligent and FUNNY people you'll ever meet. After losing my best friends from primary It took me a long time to realise she actually wanted to be my friend rather than just being a friend of convenience (saying that now seems ridiculous because she's just not that type of person) because in 2nd year we just kind of sat together on the first day. Having been in a couple classes together in first year we didn't know each other well, but well enough to say "hi, can I sit here?" and we hit it off. Alienating an older brother and sister for choosing a different high school from them made home life hell as well as the fact problems were starting with my mum and I. All this added up to the fact I felt I didn't belong anywhere. My best friend was too good for me, i had and still have an inferiority complex about it. I did ok in school. 9 O' Grades, 4 Highers, some would say that's better than ok. I went on to college and got my BSc Degree in Chemistry with Business Studies despite crippling depression, although that beat me the following year and I dropped out of my Honours year. I got a few jobs before I became a technician then I went back to Uni to get my Postgraduate Certificate in Education and I became a high school Chemistry teacher for couple years. Bad home life, depression and poor school support meant I gave up teaching which I did enjoy and was good at and went back to technician life. During all this time I've had crippling bouts of depression over and over. I try to see school and Uni as achievements but I can't. I try to maintain friendships but I fail. Work is going terribly, I'm ill and off a lot, just a matter of time before I lose that. I tell myself if I do it's not the end of the world. I've been through worse. My parents are dead. I found my partner dead, I had to become bankrupt and I lost our home. I picked myself up so I should be able to do it again right? Except I don't have any fight left. I'm so tired of it. I don't want to fight against the current that's dragging me down anymore. Class A drugs have never seemed so appealing. They do now. I try to tell myself I'm a good person. I'd do anything for anyone, I do good deeds, I help strangers out, I have a big heart that got repeatedly stomped on but I have it. So why do all these bad things happen to me? Why am I a magnet? I've been raped, sexually assaulted, threatened with rape and death, I've been assaulted a couple times. Had a house I was watching broken into while I was in it asleep with my little niece staying over too (but the hounds of hell wouldn't have been able to hurt her, I can be feral too!) I no longer feel safe anywhere, I've been emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. All this, depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Tell me, what did I ever do? I was born a loser, I'll die one. Sooner rather than later I think, it just feels inevitable. I don't know how to stop it. One day at a time I guess. Cliched but there it is. This is just a rambling rant not making any sense. Thank feck no-one reads it!! Another day where depression is winning. Yay. I've no fight in me today.