How low can you go?

What a shitty week. It’s been good, but bad. I wasn’t going to but I met up with some twitter friends on Monday for lunch. I knew people would be drinking so I wasn’t going to go because i know the frame of mind I’m in right now, drink is not a good idea. I went, knowing that I was going to drink, knowing that I would have a fun time, knowing that when I got home I would attempt suicide or at least harm myself in some way. It was my plan. Not "the" carefully considered suicide plan but an adapted one. I was ok with that.

Lunch was fab, everyone was on fine form and those few of us that were left got very drunk. Even managed to drag the remaining tweeter to Raffles which was funny. Bit of a long standing joke. Cue the end of night and walking home knowing I was about to die. I was fine with it. Then I thought maybe they’d think they’d done something to make me do it. None of them had. It was a good day. I felt fine thinking I’d be dying on a high.

For some reason I called nhs24 and spoke to a lovely woman. By this time I was distraught and wanting to die but asking for help anyway. A lovely doctor came out to see me and I’d had over 2 months worth of Inderal popped out into a glass with a large glass water next to it. He tried to admit me to ward 2 so ambulance came and took me to QMH I kept apologizing because they should’ve been out saving someone that wants to be saved. The doc said I was the girl who always apologises haha and the ambulance guy just kept telling me they were saving me tonight.

After assessment on the ward I was sent home, they had no beds, guess they hoped it was just the drink and that’s why I’d tried and some sobering up time would help? A friend called after seeing my tweet just after 4am while I was waiting on taxi and spoke to me till I was ready for bed. I had an appt with Hillview the next day so my counsellor had the report. I still have lots of suicidal and self-harm thoughts and they don’t realize I got drunk so I’d be brave enough to do it. I didn’t do it because I was drunk. I’d planned it but part of me obviously wanted to live and I called for help.

The next day I saw my doc and was signed off for a month so I had to tell my work what was going on. Seriously, it’d be a lot less hassle for everyone if I just got on with it already. I saw Hillview again on Friday and will be seeing her on Monday after an appt with my Psychiatrist. I have had another rough night of waking up crying several times. I dreamt of my mum and dad, and our dogs Laddie and Patch, all whom have passed, my dad gave me such a cuddle I couldn’t stop crying and it’s making me start again I miss him so much. I kept asking where Malc was and can’t remember what they were saying, did I see him in a different dream? I feel like I did? I need to know he’s ok. I need to know he’s not mad at me and I need to know if he’ll forgive me and if I can move on. Part of me is now thinking they’re here because they know my time is short and they’re here for me. Are they? Or were they here to comfort me to help me through this that I will see them again someday but not quite yet? At the moment I’m thinking it’s option number 1.

I have to go to my best pal’s birthday party tonight. It’s a cocktail party so it’s glitz and glam which I’m gonna have to fake and put a smile on. I’m sure it’ll be fine but I’m dreading it all the same.

music and lyrics

My Immortal by Evanescence http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEfxu-JNxjU
Was on Kerrang today and I just had to keep listening over and over. Looking over the lyrics, they ring so true. They’d mean many things to different people but to me it pretty much sums up my relationship with Malc.
It’s not a revelation to me, I’ve always thought this. I’d known him since I was 18, we met at college. Started dating when I was 21 and were together for 13 years. He died just over 4 years ago now but is still with me everyday and colours many areas of my life and how I feel about myself. I don’t want him to never be watching over me but he has left deep wounds and not just from his passing.
In the start we were best friends, it grew into more, I couldn’t get enough of him and vice versa. I knew I’d end up with him long before we actually got together despite me knocking him back a few times(he took drugs, in those days I couldn’t have taken him home to meet my parents).
Our relationship was probably not a healthy one and although I’ve no doubt we loved each other, maybe it was too destructive, I began self-harming and became so mentally ill I thought I was going mad. He was almost always there for me though, as I was always there for him and he’ll always be part of me but now I have to look ahead for a new song, for a new life, for construction not destruction. I have to change this cycle. I don’t want to leave him and it wont be easy, god know the last four years haven’t been easy but it's maybe time to move on. Maybe.

venting is healthy

on another note, i met a pal for lunch today and walking home along a very, very busy road at peak time we decided to vent our frustration by screaming at the tops of our lungs and stomping our feet. i'm 38, she's 46. it was fab just getting it all out in one primal scream. you should try it sometime.

awesomeness personified

Well it’s been a rough number of days. I haven’t been coping well and so I’ve been using the old zolpidem and diazepam combo to knock me out again and again and again. For days. Only waking long enough to take more. It’s frightening how much I got through. Yesterday changed though, somehow I found enough fight to get up and say no more. Being wednesday I was supposed to go to zumba in the evening but the amount of diazepam I take when I’m like that leaves me zonked for a few days after I surface. What I did do though was start watching Star Trek. I’d ordered the box set of ten films and it came on Tuesday. I can’t tell you why that changed things but I’m glad it did. I watched the first four films and I have tell you I love them as much now as every other time I’ve watched them. Captain Kirk is a God. Watching the films perked me up no end, he’s just so, so awesome, as are the rest of the cast and I think in future when things are bad I’ll escape into sci-fi until I can face real life again. That way I’m indulging a passion and not hurting anyone, least of all myself. I found the above pic online ages ago and i don't know who's responsible for it but i want it on a t-shirt so i'm going to go hunt for it. Thank-you Captain, i worship at your feet.

still in control

I gave in last night. I cut myself. I wasn’t particularly distraught, I hadn’t been drinking, nothing else had happened that sent me over the edge. I just did it. I mean I wasn’t in the best of moods. I was low, very low, but still felt in control, I was very calm about the whole thing. I decided to cut because I just wanted to stop fighting it, that’s all. It’s all I’ve been thinking about lately and I just thought what the hell. I felt numb and thought if I did it then maybe I’d at least feel something. I didn’t though. I didn’t get the usual release or satisfaction from it which I suppose is a good sign because if I’m getting nothing from it then why do it? I’m not even upset at myself for giving in to it. It’s been over 3 years since I last cut myself so i know I should think I’m an arse for giving in this time but I just don’t care. I’m not saying this means anything, that self-harm’s lost its hold over me, because I know I can quite easily give in when I’m distraught, or when I’ve been drinking and someone looks at me the wrong way, and lets face it life isn’t plain sailing so the next time I’m upset I could fall back into it easily. That will be the challenge, the real test. This time it wasn’t too big a deal. In my eyes anyway.

that'll do nicely

I broke down at work today, thinking about my mum. I couldn’t stop crying although I was holding back because my boss was in the room. She died at the end of May but it’s only now the reality is sinking in. When we finished work I got the bus up town instead of walking home, I just didn’t have it in me. I went to the shops and bought a knife. Not my usual brand, they didn’t have those, but one that will suffice. It’s all I’ve been thinking about but I haven’t used it yet.

So......

It’s taking all I have not to cut myself today.

When will i write about something good or happy? Not today. I’m struggling. Big time. I’ve been on the verge of tears for days and my mood has grown progressively worse. Granted, my eating habits lately haven’t helped but I have still been walking to and from work which is an hour every day, and I was out with a friend for dinner last night, so why am I so bad today that all I can think about is cutting myself? I haven’t done it in a long time, but it’s like an addiction it never really goes away, I don’t have the right knife to do it but I have used other things in the past.
Today I locked myself in the bathroom on the English corridor, sat down on the floor and cried for ages. I knew I wouldn’t be disturbed, it is the holidays after all, and not many people are in school who would use that bathroom since it’s out the way. It reminded me of my last year at uni, where circumstances and the fact I had no close friends doing honours meant I spent many morning breaks doing exactly what I did today. I would go to one of the less used bathrooms, lock myself in a cubicle and just lean against the door or sit until next class. Not many good memories that year I’m afraid and in fact my depression got so bad I dropped out half way through the year.
Tonight I should be at zumba, which I love, but I’m not going despite the fact I know it would probably do me good. It’s the thought of putting on a happy face to friends whilst there, I just can’t do it. I’ll try the happy face thing tomorrow and maybe even the happy writing thing too. Wish me luck.