Father's Day

I'm sure I'm like everyone else at the moment getting daily emails of "It's not too late to get that perfect Father's Day gift!" Ugggghh. 

After twelve years it still hurts, I'm right back at his bedside frightened to hold his hand because I was scared of hurting him. 

It's the same with Mother's Day for the past five years. 

I know Mother's Day and Father's Day are a big deal, parents should be celebrated, my mum loved getting flowers and gifts. My dad was humble and didn't like fuss made of him but with seven kids Father's Day would never go by without us making some fuss.  

Now those days are just ones I'd rather avoid. I avoid places because it's a kick in the gut every time I pass a card shop. Much like Christmas, it's so commercialised. It didn't bother me until the first Father's Day a few months after he died. I couldn't not buy him a card, I couldn't. So I bought one, wrote it out and sealed it. I keep it in a box with other mementos. I don't like Christmas anymore either, it's just too hard. 

I feel so lost without my parents. After Dad died I'd lost my favourite person, I was always a daddy's girl. My life has fallen apart since then. I know most think it's because of Malc's death but it started long before that, it started the day the doctors told us my dad had a rare complication from the Polcystic Kidney Disease he had and there was nothing they could do for him. It triggered a landslide that buried me, and I'm still trying to scramble a way through. 

My birthday's coming up and I hate that too because the next day would be my parents anniversary and a couple of days after that there's something else, but I don't think they do a card for Dead Boyfriend. It'll be nine years. It just tops things off nicely. A hat-trick so to speak. 

Happy Father's Day when it comes Dad. 

You were my sunshine. X

May the Force Be With You, It's Not With Me.

It's Star Wars day. May 4th. I've loved Star Wars ever since my brother took me to see a Star Wars/Empire Strikes Back double bill for my birthday many moons ago. We watched them yesterday, along with Return of the Jedi, it was a great day, if a day early! 

Today's not so great a day. I'm struggling. 

I really want to hurt myself. 

I really want to break things. 

I really want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out. 

I really want to hurt myself badly. 

I really want to do these things and then take some tablets and knock myself out. 

My emotions are overwhelming today and I feel like I'm going under. I came out to Costa in the hope of distraction and now I find myself crying and fearful I'm going to let loose all the emotion inside and just explode in a mess of tears and self-harm. No-one will care if I do, I've been in similar states in the past and most people just walk on by without concern (there have been a couple of times people have talked me down, literally). Guess that's where I'm different. If I see someone upset I ask if I can help, do they need anything? If they look or talk like they're contemplating hurting themselves I will call for help and stay with them until I know they're ok. I feel like I'm one of a dying breed of people who actually care about the wellbeing of people I don't know, it just seems the human thing to do, to show compassion for others. It feels like our world is lacking in the compassion department. I don't know why I'm saying this, it's not like I am really the only person who cares, I'm not a brilliant person, I deserve no credit. So I have compassion, big fucking deal, what do I want? A medal? Fuck off. 

I have little compassion for myself. Suicide is never far from my own mind. I'm thinking about it a lot today. I won't make a scene though, I'm not seeking attention, I'm just trying to stay alive and I'm trying to do it without needing someone to intervene. 

I'm sleeping on my brother's couch at the moment. I've been staying with my brother and sister on and off for quite some time for various reasons, mental health problems being one of them, so I could go back there rather than sit here but they don't really understand the extent of my mental health problems or why it manifests the way it does, so if I go back and start crying or they see signs of self-harm they don't really know how to handle it and I just feel more hopeless and useless.

So I'm sat in Costa Coffee in the Victoria Hospital, typing this, trying to bury my emotions. Where do I go? Hide in a toilet? Go to the chapel? Go to A&E? Stay here with my head down? I'm scared to move from this seat because if I decide to move and don't know where I'm going I may well do something I'll regret. Or  maybe I'll do something I've always felt inevitable. I guess I'll be sitting here a while. Staying safe is the aim right? 

Don't look at me

Thought.

Thoughts that were once focused on suicide were turned towards a future, one I thought obtainable, brighter, with possibilities of achievements there for the taking. They were fleeting. My thoughts turn yet again to my life being pointless with nothing to offer. 

The point is?

What's the point in talking to someone who just does not understand or want to hear about your mental health problems? 

What's the point, when you say you're self-harming and suicidal, asking for help, and they dismiss you for being stupid?

What's the point in trying to share the impact mental illness has on your life in a vain attempt to explain why you can't leave the house, why you don't bathe for weeks at a time, why you don't eat, why you can't concentrate, why you seem to disappear for months on end, why you lose so many friends, why you can't function at all? 

What's the point, when you try talking about how bad you feel and they sit quietly, then when you pause, after revealing a fraction of your tortured soul, they just get up and walk away to do something else? 

What's the point in trying to end the stigma attached to mental health so you can talk to people when all it does is alienate those who find it all very uncomfortable to hear?

What's the point in fighting every single day to stay alive so you don't hurt the people you love but they hurt you by not being there when you need them?

What's the point in going through that just to feel judged, to feel like you're stupid, to be made to feel like they don't want to hear it, they don't care? 

Really, what's the point? 

Ravenscraig Psych Ward, my near-miss.

This is a mental health post, those who want to, should look away now.

I was almost admitted to a psych ward yesterday. Yep. Yay me. 

That info will induce different reactions in different people. Amusement, bemusement, concern, despair, embarrassment, indifference, pity, whatever. I don't really need to know, please don't tell me.

You might be aware I've been struggling with my mood lately. The last few days I've been quiet as I've tried to hunker down and ride it out so I've avoided all forms of contact with everyone so I apologise if I've appeared rude and may do so for next few days. 

I had a GP appt yesterday which didn't go well. In all the years I've seen her, I've never cried the way I broke yesterday. She was great, called the Unscheduled Care Team and got me an appt. It was in Kirkcaldy psych ward so had to wait a few hours for ambulance to take me through, she kept checking on me as I waited in absolute despair, crying my eyes out, panicking, and a mess. I thought I was being admitted to hospital and I'm pretty sure that was what my GP thought too, it's what she intended.

 Anyone who's ever been admitted to a psych ward will know what a harrowing experience it is, the admittance procedure that is, not just the ward, the ward's another ball game entirely, and no, it's not like "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", although, there are moments... 

I hope those who haven't been admitted never find out what it's like. I spent a long time discussing everything with a mental health nurse, they take your life story basically, and also ask about the events leading up to what brought you to them. Then I had to wait to see the psych doc on call. 

This doc on call covers all the unscheduled psych assessments in Fife, so they could be anywhere, and with more urgent cases to see before me so it was about an hour or so before she arrived, during which time a couple of curious patients came and spoke briefly, not that I'd ever forget, but it reminded me of life "on the inside". 

When the doc arrived, she was lovely, she'd just been in Cupar at Stratheden. You then go through it all again with the doc and they decide whether to admit you or send you home. If you can keep yourself safe they send you home. I wasn't sure if I could or not so they were going to admit me.  I should have let them. 

I agreed I should be in hospital, but there were no beds in Dunfermline where I live. There was a bed in Kirkcaldy where I was being assessed but most likely I was going to be sent to Stratheden in Cupar, a fair distance away which would mean another few hours wait for an ambulance to take me there. It was 10pm. My GP appt was 11.40am. I was wiped out, exhausted in every way. Like I said, it's not a pleasant experience, I'd had a cup of tea with my GP and some water but hadn't eaten, my head was pounding from all the crying and questioning, and I was in crisis, but all I wanted was to be in bed, to not be talking anymore. So I asked to just go home, promising to stay safe overnight and to do so until I see my psychiatrist and psychologist and we get extra support and a plan in place to get through this. I called my bro who picked me up and drove me home. He was a bit surprised to get my call. I got home and, hungry as I was, I just knocked myself out with a sleeping tablet. It's what I'd promised to do, along with calling nhs24 if I had to, there was still that bed in Stratheden if I needed it. 

So yeah, last few days have been shit. Yesterday was the worst. Today I'm wiped out so I ask people to be patient with me for a wee while till I try to reach equilibrium again. If you've read this far, I apologise for wasting a few minutes of your time. 

Also, please don't comment. I'm drained entirely so prob won't be on for a couple of days and any concern just upsets me more. I don't feel I deserve concern, I know you think that's stupid,but welcome to the joys of my mental health. I'll stay safe, I'm trying to remember that people care whether I want them to or not, and life is worth living. 

Love. 

Today

Today's the greatest day I've ever known. Not really, just love that song and it popped into my head. 

Today I watched the last few eps of Jericho then the latest ep of The Walking Dead, Alexandria's interesting isn't it? 

Then I tried to snooze cos bad thoughts and all but it didn't work so I made something healthy for lunch for a change. Yay! Go me!! 

Then I watched American Sniper, Wild, and Pompeii. I also had Leffe Ruby and Leffe Brune because in the absence of pills alcohol may help me sleep. 

Andrew Lincoln, Norman Reedus, Bradley Cooper and Kit Harrington ALL in one day. Sweet dreams I hope.