This is a mental health post, those who want to, should look away now.
I was almost admitted to a psych ward yesterday. Yep. Yay me.
That info will induce different reactions in different people. Amusement, bemusement, concern, despair, embarrassment, indifference, pity, whatever. I don't really need to know, please don't tell me.
You might be aware I've been struggling with my mood lately. The last few days I've been quiet as I've tried to hunker down and ride it out so I've avoided all forms of contact with everyone so I apologise if I've appeared rude and may do so for next few days.
I had a GP appt yesterday which didn't go well. In all the years I've seen her, I've never cried the way I broke yesterday. She was great, called the Unscheduled Care Team and got me an appt. It was in Kirkcaldy psych ward so had to wait a few hours for ambulance to take me through, she kept checking on me as I waited in absolute despair, crying my eyes out, panicking, and a mess. I thought I was being admitted to hospital and I'm pretty sure that was what my GP thought too, it's what she intended.
Anyone who's ever been admitted to a psych ward will know what a harrowing experience it is, the admittance procedure that is, not just the ward, the ward's another ball game entirely, and no, it's not like "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", although, there are moments...
I hope those who haven't been admitted never find out what it's like. I spent a long time discussing everything with a mental health nurse, they take your life story basically, and also ask about the events leading up to what brought you to them. Then I had to wait to see the psych doc on call.
This doc on call covers all the unscheduled psych assessments in Fife, so they could be anywhere, and with more urgent cases to see before me so it was about an hour or so before she arrived, during which time a couple of curious patients came and spoke briefly, not that I'd ever forget, but it reminded me of life "on the inside".
When the doc arrived, she was lovely, she'd just been in Cupar at Stratheden. You then go through it all again with the doc and they decide whether to admit you or send you home. If you can keep yourself safe they send you home. I wasn't sure if I could or not so they were going to admit me. I should have let them.
I agreed I should be in hospital, but there were no beds in Dunfermline where I live. There was a bed in Kirkcaldy where I was being assessed but most likely I was going to be sent to Stratheden in Cupar, a fair distance away which would mean another few hours wait for an ambulance to take me there. It was 10pm. My GP appt was 11.40am. I was wiped out, exhausted in every way. Like I said, it's not a pleasant experience, I'd had a cup of tea with my GP and some water but hadn't eaten, my head was pounding from all the crying and questioning, and I was in crisis, but all I wanted was to be in bed, to not be talking anymore. So I asked to just go home, promising to stay safe overnight and to do so until I see my psychiatrist and psychologist and we get extra support and a plan in place to get through this. I called my bro who picked me up and drove me home. He was a bit surprised to get my call. I got home and, hungry as I was, I just knocked myself out with a sleeping tablet. It's what I'd promised to do, along with calling nhs24 if I had to, there was still that bed in Stratheden if I needed it.
So yeah, last few days have been shit. Yesterday was the worst. Today I'm wiped out so I ask people to be patient with me for a wee while till I try to reach equilibrium again. If you've read this far, I apologise for wasting a few minutes of your time.
Also, please don't comment. I'm drained entirely so prob won't be on for a couple of days and any concern just upsets me more. I don't feel I deserve concern, I know you think that's stupid,but welcome to the joys of my mental health. I'll stay safe, I'm trying to remember that people care whether I want them to or not, and life is worth living.
Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment