May the Force Be With You, It's Not With Me.

It's Star Wars day. May 4th. I've loved Star Wars ever since my brother took me to see a Star Wars/Empire Strikes Back double bill for my birthday many moons ago. We watched them yesterday, along with Return of the Jedi, it was a great day, if a day early! 

Today's not so great a day. I'm struggling. 

I really want to hurt myself. 

I really want to break things. 

I really want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out. 

I really want to hurt myself badly. 

I really want to do these things and then take some tablets and knock myself out. 

My emotions are overwhelming today and I feel like I'm going under. I came out to Costa in the hope of distraction and now I find myself crying and fearful I'm going to let loose all the emotion inside and just explode in a mess of tears and self-harm. No-one will care if I do, I've been in similar states in the past and most people just walk on by without concern (there have been a couple of times people have talked me down, literally). Guess that's where I'm different. If I see someone upset I ask if I can help, do they need anything? If they look or talk like they're contemplating hurting themselves I will call for help and stay with them until I know they're ok. I feel like I'm one of a dying breed of people who actually care about the wellbeing of people I don't know, it just seems the human thing to do, to show compassion for others. It feels like our world is lacking in the compassion department. I don't know why I'm saying this, it's not like I am really the only person who cares, I'm not a brilliant person, I deserve no credit. So I have compassion, big fucking deal, what do I want? A medal? Fuck off. 

I have little compassion for myself. Suicide is never far from my own mind. I'm thinking about it a lot today. I won't make a scene though, I'm not seeking attention, I'm just trying to stay alive and I'm trying to do it without needing someone to intervene. 

I'm sleeping on my brother's couch at the moment. I've been staying with my brother and sister on and off for quite some time for various reasons, mental health problems being one of them, so I could go back there rather than sit here but they don't really understand the extent of my mental health problems or why it manifests the way it does, so if I go back and start crying or they see signs of self-harm they don't really know how to handle it and I just feel more hopeless and useless.

So I'm sat in Costa Coffee in the Victoria Hospital, typing this, trying to bury my emotions. Where do I go? Hide in a toilet? Go to the chapel? Go to A&E? Stay here with my head down? I'm scared to move from this seat because if I decide to move and don't know where I'm going I may well do something I'll regret. Or  maybe I'll do something I've always felt inevitable. I guess I'll be sitting here a while. Staying safe is the aim right?