Ravenscraig Psych Ward, my near-miss.

This is a mental health post, those who want to, should look away now.

I was almost admitted to a psych ward yesterday. Yep. Yay me. 

That info will induce different reactions in different people. Amusement, bemusement, concern, despair, embarrassment, indifference, pity, whatever. I don't really need to know, please don't tell me.

You might be aware I've been struggling with my mood lately. The last few days I've been quiet as I've tried to hunker down and ride it out so I've avoided all forms of contact with everyone so I apologise if I've appeared rude and may do so for next few days. 

I had a GP appt yesterday which didn't go well. In all the years I've seen her, I've never cried the way I broke yesterday. She was great, called the Unscheduled Care Team and got me an appt. It was in Kirkcaldy psych ward so had to wait a few hours for ambulance to take me through, she kept checking on me as I waited in absolute despair, crying my eyes out, panicking, and a mess. I thought I was being admitted to hospital and I'm pretty sure that was what my GP thought too, it's what she intended.

 Anyone who's ever been admitted to a psych ward will know what a harrowing experience it is, the admittance procedure that is, not just the ward, the ward's another ball game entirely, and no, it's not like "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", although, there are moments... 

I hope those who haven't been admitted never find out what it's like. I spent a long time discussing everything with a mental health nurse, they take your life story basically, and also ask about the events leading up to what brought you to them. Then I had to wait to see the psych doc on call. 

This doc on call covers all the unscheduled psych assessments in Fife, so they could be anywhere, and with more urgent cases to see before me so it was about an hour or so before she arrived, during which time a couple of curious patients came and spoke briefly, not that I'd ever forget, but it reminded me of life "on the inside". 

When the doc arrived, she was lovely, she'd just been in Cupar at Stratheden. You then go through it all again with the doc and they decide whether to admit you or send you home. If you can keep yourself safe they send you home. I wasn't sure if I could or not so they were going to admit me.  I should have let them. 

I agreed I should be in hospital, but there were no beds in Dunfermline where I live. There was a bed in Kirkcaldy where I was being assessed but most likely I was going to be sent to Stratheden in Cupar, a fair distance away which would mean another few hours wait for an ambulance to take me there. It was 10pm. My GP appt was 11.40am. I was wiped out, exhausted in every way. Like I said, it's not a pleasant experience, I'd had a cup of tea with my GP and some water but hadn't eaten, my head was pounding from all the crying and questioning, and I was in crisis, but all I wanted was to be in bed, to not be talking anymore. So I asked to just go home, promising to stay safe overnight and to do so until I see my psychiatrist and psychologist and we get extra support and a plan in place to get through this. I called my bro who picked me up and drove me home. He was a bit surprised to get my call. I got home and, hungry as I was, I just knocked myself out with a sleeping tablet. It's what I'd promised to do, along with calling nhs24 if I had to, there was still that bed in Stratheden if I needed it. 

So yeah, last few days have been shit. Yesterday was the worst. Today I'm wiped out so I ask people to be patient with me for a wee while till I try to reach equilibrium again. If you've read this far, I apologise for wasting a few minutes of your time. 

Also, please don't comment. I'm drained entirely so prob won't be on for a couple of days and any concern just upsets me more. I don't feel I deserve concern, I know you think that's stupid,but welcome to the joys of my mental health. I'll stay safe, I'm trying to remember that people care whether I want them to or not, and life is worth living. 

Love. 

Today

Today's the greatest day I've ever known. Not really, just love that song and it popped into my head. 

Today I watched the last few eps of Jericho then the latest ep of The Walking Dead, Alexandria's interesting isn't it? 

Then I tried to snooze cos bad thoughts and all but it didn't work so I made something healthy for lunch for a change. Yay! Go me!! 

Then I watched American Sniper, Wild, and Pompeii. I also had Leffe Ruby and Leffe Brune because in the absence of pills alcohol may help me sleep. 

Andrew Lincoln, Norman Reedus, Bradley Cooper and Kit Harrington ALL in one day. Sweet dreams I hope. 

Did you know?

Did you know how broken I was when you first saw me? Did you know I'd be such an easy target, manipulated and fooled by your disguise? Your narcissism kept me there dangling for years as your personal ego boost and faux girlfriend. I say faux because I don't know if anything you ever said was true, I think I was just a live-in ego boost, unlike all the others. Why did you choose me to be the one you'd abuse the most? Why choose me to blame and humiliate, manipulate and hate? You made me think that I was the crazy one when you were the one just pushing the right buttons. I thought I was going insane and you were only too happy to keep feeding that lie to everyone. I have so much anger and hatred and despair now and no one to aim it at now you're dead, especially after your parting words. I turn it inwards. I cut, I medicate, I hate, I despair. I am devoid of joy. Suicide is always on my mind. I thought I'd be over it by now, over you, I thought I'd have a life by now but instead all I have is slowly dissipating like slush melting in spring. Soon there won't be a me either. Is that what you wanted? 

Insanity

The squeaky floorboards in the flat above are doing my nut in. They were never like that with the previous tenents so have they put down laminate flooring? It's been going on for months. It wakes me all the time and I have screamed at them a couple of times to just fucking stop. They argue a lot too which just increases my anxiety. Well HE shouts a lot and if it was me i'd have him whacked with something already. I'm so tired of this fucking flat with the rats (the place is stinking of dead rat at the moment), the vandalising neighbours, and upstairs driving me crazy. 

I'm thinking of putting my plan into action because I can't see it gets better than this. 

Mon 9th Feb. Removed from fb.

#MENTALHEALTHPOST:

Disclaimer: PM Me if you'd rather not see this stuff and I'll exclude you, or tell me to unfriend you. No one will know or judge, this stuff isn't always easy to read but it's not easy to live with either.

I'm not prepared to pretend it doesn't exist because it makes some people uncomfortable or they don't believe it exists. I'm not writing this for hugs, sympathy, pity, or attention anymore than people post anything else on here so please just let it be. 

Basically, this day can fuck off. It's one of the bad ones where I can't distract myself and I can't function, not yet anyway. I haven't cut yet but it's only lunchtime, I hope i make it through the rest of the day without doing so. I used to feel intelligent, I used to feel semi-confident, I used to feel strong. I used to have fun. I used to feel useful. I feel none of those things now. I feel a burden. I feel a waste of space, I feel like a loser. I feel so helpless and lost and tortured. Some days I can almost feel like my old self again. The Tina you grew up with, the Tina you went to uni with, the Auntie Tina who adored the kids (and still does) but I'm stuck in this limbo and it's been so long and it's so dark that I think I'm lost forever.

From Thursday 5th Feb. Removed from fb.

Look away now: #mentalHealth post: 

I've been seriously distracting myself today on Facebook, so thanks to you all for aiding and abetting, and particularly for all the perving! I've been posting all sorts on here today and it's been fun. 

Thankfully, even at my worst I never lose my sense of humour, but behind the jokes and stuff I hide my despair.  But when the lights go out and I hunker down to try to sleep the urge to hurt myself gets stronger and the battle gets harder and sometimes I wish I don't wake up and I hate it. 

Like now, when I'm really struggling with my mental health on a daily basis, I would say this has been a good day for me because I've been quite interactive. But I've still to get through the night. And the bad days too. 

They will pass though. 

I Have Nothing