I feel dead inside

Me

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.

There's so much shit in my head that when it builds up the only way I can stop crying is to hurt myself. So I cut. Mostly I cut, but there's a whole host of ways I hurt myself.

I hate myself. I know I'm a nice person but I hate myself. People hate nice people all the time so don't think I should be immune to it. I dislike people for things they've done or their nature. I don't dislike nice people, i like nice people, so why can't I like myself? I just don't. Hate is a strong word and I can say there is no-one on this earth I hate. Except myself.

Reality check please

Telling someone to face reality and to take responsibility for their life to me seems pretty rude.
Reality is in my face every day, reality has not been kind to me, reality is not kind to a lot of people. Some days i can't deal with it but most days I know what the hell is going on around me and I know I'm responsible for feeding, clothing and working to keep a roof over my head. At the moment it's a bit hit and miss but I'm the one responsible enough to say I'm changing things about to see if it makes a difference, the various anti-depressants I've been on for far too many years have worked only to varying degrees and some have been completely detrimental. My psychologist and doctor both say I'm extremely clued in when it comes to my illness and my treatment and am willing to try anything that will keep me breathing.
Isn't that reality?
 Now I've decided to go without medication for a while to see what my own body actually feels like. I know it's a risk so my docs are keeping a close eye on me and should I have to go back on ADs then I will. I've had a shitty life. Not family/friendwise although several friends have fucked me over. It's the other stuff that's fucked me up. Some I talk about because people know and some I don't because I'm too ashamed or it happened as a child so what can you do? Telling me to face reality, be responsible and not cut myself is not the best way to calm me down when I'm upset. All my doctors agree, and google it if you want to, self-harm can be a coping mechanism, for me it is, it calms me down. It stops me doing the really stupid stuff so if you don't understand that, then ask me why I do it. Don't just assume I'm going to slit my wrists. If my doctors don't have a problem with it and I don't, then leave me to it.
Don't just tell me not to and to face reality cos that gets my back up. Big time. I know this person has had an awful time with depression too, and i'm sad about that but her symptoms were quite different from mine. I know she says it because she cares but telling me to face reality? That just makes me mad, and what do I do when I'm mad? I don't turn into the Hulk. I get my knife out and cut because I hate myself for being mad over something someone says who doesn't know any better. But realistically SHE should, because we've discussed it. I don't tell her what to do. I certainly have never told her to face reality when in fact sometimes she should have because her life would've been easier. But it's her life, I'm there to support, listen and give gentle advice, not to say "face reality and be responsible"

Defective Rabbit in the House

So it's Saturday. I'm exhausted. My period started yesterday joy of joys which explains partly why I felt like I was possessed this week. Don't get me wrong, having periods means I can still have children, which i want, but I need to find a man first and who in their right mind would wanna be with me? Therein lies the predicament. Never mind the "over 40 dangers" (JUST turned 40 ty) and the 50/50 chance of passing on PKD and the depression/anxiety/complete fucking mentalist thing. Maybe "god or whoever" has decided it's better if I don't reproduce (which I can tell you, my family is like rabbits in that respect) but to not even put a man in my path that I can at least copulate with? Well, that's just cruel because you see I have so much love to give, emotionally, AND, dear god given half a chance, physically! I'm a nice, law-abiding good girl. I've been told I'm an ugly bitch on several occasions throughout my life by strangers so maybe that's why no-one wants me, cos I'm not pretty enough (the pic is me so make up your own mind but i know I'm ugly so no need to tell me, ok? please? good, ty) I'm told I'm funny, smart, compassionate, empathic, geeky and pretty. I don't believe all of them but I am geeky and I like a laugh but hey, who doesn't? Anyways, my possessed self has been decorating my bathroom and going up to the shops today. On a Saturday. This is how I KNOW I'm possessed, people up town on a Saturday are total mad fuckers. To be avoided at all costs. Like zombies, you do not want to engage them. Engage as in interact ya nutter not marry them.

Priest: "Zombie do you take..."
Zombie: "oohhhaaahhhhhhhh" *bites priest*

Not that kind of engage ok?? Got that? Good.

So. Up the town on a Saturday. Feels like being the ball in a pinball game. "Sorry" used to be frequent words out my mouth as people bumped into me now it's more like "ahh my cloak of invisibility is clearly working. fuckers hahahaha" I fear my cloak will not protect me from a thumping hence my usual avoidance of a sat avo jaunt up the town at least until I can get my Staff of pain up to par and am able to retaliate. I'm not a violent person, honestly. Honestly!!! Just a little "possessed" at the moment but if Gandalf allows it, it shall pass just like my self-loathing passed as I was cutting myself just now. Ahhhh see? Gone for a wee while. I'll get that under control soon, it's just left me a tad emotional and so a nap is called for. Talking of emotional, the defective rabbit thing is because no-one wants me, ((not because my vibrator is broken, I couldn't afford a rabbit anyways, mine is bog standard (Jesus Tina TMI!!!)). I have to accept this, I can't let it rule my life, I'm going to be alone. The grass isn't always greener on the other side anyways so i'll just have to be a crazy fridge magnet lady (not allowed pets in flat).
Anyway. When I was about 23 my mum told me there were enough grand-kids in the family so she didn't see the point of me having any. Not even one. I have 17 nieces and nephews (not counting their partners) and 18 great nieces and nephews so far. I adore them all. See what I mean about my family being like rabbits and how I'm defective? That, and I'm home, in the house. Title explained in full. I waffle don't I?

How to Save a Life/Awesomeness personified 2

This picture is posted on my front door and above my desk at work because I love it. It makes me smile every time. I don't care if people think I'm mad (I am) it's for me. To remind me, at a glance, of the humour, the joy, and how great this world can be. I found out tonight a friend's son tried to commit suicide. I can't imagine what it feels like to see your son in so much distress he feels he can't go on and my heart is in pain for her. I do know how it feels to not want to go on. To REALLY not want to go on. She thinks he really meant it. I know how that feels and my heart goes out to him, I can only hope that as a family they find the strength and he recovers fully. I pray for it, for them all. My days of suicidal thoughts aren't over but the devastation Malc caused stops me. The promises I made to people stop me. I put family/friends through enough when i meant it, but it's swept under the carpet, no-one ever spoke to me about it and all i know is it upset them. Some day I fear those reasons for hanging on wont be enough. At the moment though I have Kirk. He's a facet, among many, responsible for keeping me here but I don't have all your photos so I picked him.

RIP Amanda Todd.