where'd 3months go?

So today I had to go into work for a meeting to discuss my occupational health referral. I’ve been off sick since feb, 3 months, with depression and anxiety. Before that I was off frequently with migraines and what felt like every bug going. My mood was getting worse and I found myself back in that place I wished I’d never been. Severely depressed and anxious with thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Not a happy place at all.

I was isolating myself, not seeing much of friends or family, getting little enjoyment when I did. I was eating junk food, chocolate and cakes like they were going out of fashion and generally had no self-respect or self-control. I didn’t care enough about myself to give myself a break.

In feb I saw my doc and we agreed a spell off work to get myself together was best so I phoned work, promised it wouldn’t be for long and here I am 3 months later. Loser.
I said I had self-help books to read, relaxation cd’s to listen to, that I would eat better and exercise and although my drinking wasn’t at a level it’s been at in the past, that I would stop drinking. I’d do whatever it took to get healthy and back to work.

How many of these did I actually do? No concentration so the books were useless. Relaxation cd’s came in handy sometimes but weren’t used often. As for eating, well I hated myself so by over-eating I was feeding into my self-hatred, bingeing a lot of the time and making myself sick. I drank with friends and usually got fairly drunk. Bad idea when you suffer from depression and anxiety. After a lot to drink the next couple days my anxiety would be through the roof and thoughts of self-harm were predominant.

Some mornings I would wake up, think to myself I can’t do this, I don’t want to live or that I would harm myself so to keep myself safe I would knock back a sleeping tablet and a few diazepam and knock myself out till I felt I could cope. Not a good coping mechanism but I’m still here and I’m safe and through this episode at least, unscathed.

So what changed? I really don’t know. I’m sure my ex Malcolm was part of why I got so bad but not for the reasons you may think. That’s for another day. I was seeing my GP, my psychologist and also my keyworker at the hospital. At some point I found my fight again. It’s still not fully up to par but it’s getting there. I’ve started exercising more with a new friend I met on twitter. I’m eating well and have stopped drinking because I saw a herbalist and am now on a restrictive anti-candida diet. I’m getting support from medical professionals, friends, family and my work have been very patient.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been off long term sick. I hope it’s the last. I start back june14th if all goes well. It’ll be a phased return, building hours gradually till full time. We discussed this at the meeting and agreed to figure out the details when I go back. In the meantime I’ll continue to do what I’m doing and hope to remain well enough to go back. I know that day I’ll be a nervous wreck just like today. I barely slept and can I just say my stomach was dodgy, but once I got there I was ok. It’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be. I would adopt that as my motto if it weren’t for the fact that sometimes life does get as bad as I think, at least that’s how it feels.