I'd taken sleeping tablets and diazepam and was still awake ages later so I started drinking. Only had a few Breezers, but it's not a good sign. I'm not teetotal by any stretch, but I don't often drink because I know it affects me if I drink too much too often. I never drink alone now which I used to do all the time when I was with my ex. I used to drink just to get obliterated and forget everything, especially him, even when he was alive.
Lots of people drink, it's very socially accepted in this country (in fact if you don't drink people think there's something wrong with you!), it's a relaxant, it lowers inhibitions, it helps them cope. It's also a depressant and it's toxic so you get hangovers. If I've had a major session my hangovers don't just consist of headache, vomiting, spinny room. No, as well as the usual symptoms, they intensify my anxiety to the extreme where I want to, no, NEED to hurt myself. The drive to inflict pain and the overwhelming (and overwhelming doesn't cover it) desire to top myself is so strong it feels like I'm going against God by living. It's happened so often now that I know I'll have these feelings, so more often than not i'll knock myself out or stay over with family till it passes and I feel safe. It may not sound like a good idea knocking myself out but I'm still alive so my doctors accept it.
With me, drinking also often involved trashing my house and harming myself, it was getting out of control. I was out of control. Now I drink only with friends/family or if it's a special occasion and try (and sometimes succeed) not to get too drunk.
I've been off work for over a week, i had food poisoning last week and this week I'm not coping. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow and i'll mention the drink. She won't worry about it because I'm aware that I've done it and my alarm bells are ringing, so to her i'm still in control, but it worries me. They were only Breezers. If I start in on the wine (i really want to) or some type of spirit that's when I start doing really stupid stuff and end up at accident and emergency, courtesy of the police for my own safety, and possibly even back on the ward. I know the consequences of these actions, what happens when i drink to forget, to escape reality. I'm aware. She knows I don't want back in the ward so she won't be overly concerned, but sometimes my brain just goes "fuck it" and I totally screw myself and that's what I'm worried about. I don't want to end up on the ward.
I'm actually wary of drink, if you know me you'd never think it because I can knock it back and I love shots, but i am. When i do get drunk and say "I'm gonna pay tomorrow" i don't mean a hangover, i mean every fibre of my being will want me to hurt myself. Gone are the days when I saw an alcohol counsellor on a Monday afternoon because i thought the self-harm was getting out of control, then went straight to the pub and got pished and thought it was fun, because IT WAS FUN. At the time. That was 7-8 years ago. I stopped going after Malc died because my counsellor got a new job. I REALLY threw myself into the drink after Malc, did a really good job of stretching out denial, but then I realised I was going to go too far someday, so far I couldn't come back, and I stopped. For six months I quit and have been fairly responsible ever since. In 6 years I haven't purposefully drank to forget, to knock myself out. Why the hell did I do it last night? I might add that it didn't work. Breezers aren't strong enough. I bought some Nytol today. Hopefully they'll work.
