Saturday 29 December 2012
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Monday 17 December 2012
Countdown to Xmas.
It's 11.11pm 17th December 2012. Xmas is almost here.
For the last few years I've asked not to participate because I hate it. Not all of it. I love my family, I love seeing my younger great nieces and nephews but truthfully on xmas i don't see them for long because there's so many and because, well, they're kids, they're playing with their new toys in their own homes and that's how it should be because it's all about kids isn't it?
I normally give in and go join in, stay with family, placate everyone, keep them happy because God forbid I should be alone at Xmas. But this year yet again I've had major problems with depression. Physical illness too. Problems returning to work. I also hit 40, it didn't bother me, I'd been depressed for months, I don't care for birthdays now, not since my ex killed himself 3 days after my 34th. Four of my best pals turned 40 too and a few others too. Two of my best pals and my brother got married, I'm happy for them, slightly jealous because they have someone and I don't but I'm happy for them. They're happy. I want to be happy, i don't want to just settle for anyone but having a date or two might be nice, i don't have to marry them but i've not met anyone who's remotely floated my boat in years but that's besides the point. Anyways, It's been a very expensive year with all these events. One in which I was off work since January and still haven't got back on my feet. I know Xmas is not about money, not about giving to receive, but I HATE receiving without giving. HATE it. I HATE not HAVING anything to give. I have nothing. Not even joy. I fake it most of the time and no-one notices, and it's exhausting. I just don't want to go through and see my family. I love them but it hurts. It reminds me my mum and dad aren't there and my shithead ex isn't there. It makes me wonder who's next, it makes me think please let it be me because I can't stand any more pain. I want to die, but I don't. I know it doesn't make sense but there it is. Any time I mention staying home alone I get dismissed. It makes me stubborn. I've wanted to stay home alone since before my ex died, since before mum died. Since my dad actually. Why can't I just this once? Why can't i get my own way? Why is it such a big deal? It's just a day.
The crux of it is I don't want Xmas this year because after Xmas is new year, another torture. Then it's 2013.
On February 23rd 2013 my dad will have been gone for ten years. I can't see that day. Every day nearer to Xmas is nearer to new year and nearer to February. I know it will never happen but I want him back. I've not been the same since he died, before that actually, but that did it. It broke me.
That's why I'd rather stay home alone and pretend it's just another day because I can't face the reality of the reminders of what's coming. It's easy to understand why suicide rates spike at this time of year. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I'm not saying I'm not. I just understand firsthand the pain that drives you there because i tried and almost died, and I understand firsthand the pain it causes because of my ex. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn.
I just want Xmas to go away but in reality I'll play along because it's expected. It will take its toll as usual but no-one will know. I'll fake the joy, then I'll cut the pain away, drown it in drugs and pretend like everything is fine.
I'm actually wondering whether to run away. How ridiculous is that?
It's now the 18th. Another day closer. Fuck.
For the last few years I've asked not to participate because I hate it. Not all of it. I love my family, I love seeing my younger great nieces and nephews but truthfully on xmas i don't see them for long because there's so many and because, well, they're kids, they're playing with their new toys in their own homes and that's how it should be because it's all about kids isn't it?
I normally give in and go join in, stay with family, placate everyone, keep them happy because God forbid I should be alone at Xmas. But this year yet again I've had major problems with depression. Physical illness too. Problems returning to work. I also hit 40, it didn't bother me, I'd been depressed for months, I don't care for birthdays now, not since my ex killed himself 3 days after my 34th. Four of my best pals turned 40 too and a few others too. Two of my best pals and my brother got married, I'm happy for them, slightly jealous because they have someone and I don't but I'm happy for them. They're happy. I want to be happy, i don't want to just settle for anyone but having a date or two might be nice, i don't have to marry them but i've not met anyone who's remotely floated my boat in years but that's besides the point. Anyways, It's been a very expensive year with all these events. One in which I was off work since January and still haven't got back on my feet. I know Xmas is not about money, not about giving to receive, but I HATE receiving without giving. HATE it. I HATE not HAVING anything to give. I have nothing. Not even joy. I fake it most of the time and no-one notices, and it's exhausting. I just don't want to go through and see my family. I love them but it hurts. It reminds me my mum and dad aren't there and my shithead ex isn't there. It makes me wonder who's next, it makes me think please let it be me because I can't stand any more pain. I want to die, but I don't. I know it doesn't make sense but there it is. Any time I mention staying home alone I get dismissed. It makes me stubborn. I've wanted to stay home alone since before my ex died, since before mum died. Since my dad actually. Why can't I just this once? Why can't i get my own way? Why is it such a big deal? It's just a day.
The crux of it is I don't want Xmas this year because after Xmas is new year, another torture. Then it's 2013.
On February 23rd 2013 my dad will have been gone for ten years. I can't see that day. Every day nearer to Xmas is nearer to new year and nearer to February. I know it will never happen but I want him back. I've not been the same since he died, before that actually, but that did it. It broke me.
That's why I'd rather stay home alone and pretend it's just another day because I can't face the reality of the reminders of what's coming. It's easy to understand why suicide rates spike at this time of year. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I'm not saying I'm not. I just understand firsthand the pain that drives you there because i tried and almost died, and I understand firsthand the pain it causes because of my ex. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn.
I just want Xmas to go away but in reality I'll play along because it's expected. It will take its toll as usual but no-one will know. I'll fake the joy, then I'll cut the pain away, drown it in drugs and pretend like everything is fine.
I'm actually wondering whether to run away. How ridiculous is that?
It's now the 18th. Another day closer. Fuck.
Saturday 8 December 2012
Losing the fight.
I'm a loser. I've always been a loser, I'll always be a loser. This is fact, right? This is how I felt about myself since I was in primary school. The fact I lost all my friends when I went to high school didn't help. Not because we fell out (apart from my besties but that's another story) we were just put in different classes and i never really saw them again. So I made new friends, some of the best friends I ever had. My best pal from 2nd yr onwards is one of the most genuine honest, caring, intelligent and FUNNY people you'll ever meet. After losing my best friends from primary It took me a long time to realise she actually wanted to be my friend rather than just being a friend of convenience (saying that now seems ridiculous because she's just not that type of person) because in 2nd year we just kind of sat together on the first day. Having been in a couple classes together in first year we didn't know each other well, but well enough to say "hi, can I sit here?" and we hit it off. Alienating an older brother and sister for choosing a different high school from them made home life hell as well as the fact problems were starting with my mum and I. All this added up to the fact I felt I didn't belong anywhere. My best friend was too good for me, i had and still have an inferiority complex about it. I did ok in school. 9 O' Grades, 4 Highers, some would say that's better than ok. I went on to college and got my BSc Degree in Chemistry with Business Studies despite crippling depression, although that beat me the following year and I dropped out of my Honours year. I got a few jobs before I became a technician then I went back to Uni to get my Postgraduate Certificate in Education and I became a high school Chemistry teacher for couple years. Bad home life, depression and poor school support meant I gave up teaching which I did enjoy and was good at and went back to technician life. During all this time I've had crippling bouts of depression over and over. I try to see school and Uni as achievements but I can't. I try to maintain friendships but I fail. Work is going terribly, I'm ill and off a lot, just a matter of time before I lose that. I tell myself if I do it's not the end of the world. I've been through worse. My parents are dead. I found my partner dead, I had to become bankrupt and I lost our home. I picked myself up so I should be able to do it again right? Except I don't have any fight left. I'm so tired of it. I don't want to fight against the current that's dragging me down anymore. Class A drugs have never seemed so appealing. They do now. I try to tell myself I'm a good person. I'd do anything for anyone, I do good deeds, I help strangers out, I have a big heart that got repeatedly stomped on but I have it. So why do all these bad things happen to me? Why am I a magnet? I've been raped, sexually assaulted, threatened with rape and death, I've been assaulted a couple times. Had a house I was watching broken into while I was in it asleep with my little niece staying over too (but the hounds of hell wouldn't have been able to hurt her, I can be feral too!) I no longer feel safe anywhere, I've been emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. All this, depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Tell me, what did I ever do? I was born a loser, I'll die one. Sooner rather than later I think, it just feels inevitable. I don't know how to stop it. One day at a time I guess. Cliched but there it is. This is just a rambling rant not making any sense. Thank feck no-one reads it!! Another day where depression is winning. Yay. I've no fight in me today.
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