To Post Or Not

"Making people change because you can’t deal with who they are isn’t how it’s supposed to be done. What needs to be done is for people to pull their heads out of their asses. You say ‘cure.’ I hear ‘you’re not human enough."

John Scalzi, Lock In

 This is something that really stuck with me as I was reading this book. People can't deal with who I am. Or rather they can't deal with my mental health when it's bad. It's bad at the moment.

 My open-mindedness and candid talk of my own mental health problems have become something of a problem, not for those who share similar diagnoses or experiences, but for other people who probably wish I could give myself a shake, have the whole damn thing disappear and shut the fuck up about it. 

Now, wouldn't that be nice? I would LOVE to not have these problems but I do, and so do millions of others. 

 Unfortunately, despite the extensive worldwide media campaigns to end the stigma of mental illness it still remains. Maybe they're scared of it, catching it from someone. Well you know what? They should be! It's torture. It's not contagious though. 

 I recently started posting on Facebook some Mental Health Posts because I'm trying to let people know how I'm feeling, you know, in case anyone cares,  because I'm tired of people dismissing it, dismissing me, whenever I try to talk about it in real life. So on Facebook it's my way of asking for help, a little support, and most of that support comes mostly from people I've met online. I'm not good at asking for help and I realised recently that it's because when I try to talk openly to family or certain friends about it, it gets shut down. Quickly. 

 Now it's not everyone, but many people don't like when I post on Facebook about what's going on in my head. if I'm having a good day and able to semi-function, or whether it's a bad one I just can't do anything with. They don't understand it, they don't like the self-harm and suicidal thoughts but, come on, I don't go into detail!! They have ups and downs yet hold down a job, do things with friends, maintain their housework, so why can't I? Hell, they can wash, eat, and dress themselves every single day. Yay for them. 

 I'm glad they can because not being able to is a nightmare. Curled up in bed on a bad day thinking constantly about suicide is a nightmare. Flashbacks of traumatic events are a nightmare, and falling asleep and having nightmares well... 

 I've barely eaten in the past 3 weeks, sometimes nothing for days, I've not washed for over a week, which is not a record for me, and the only time I got dressed was when I had to go to the local shop to buy toilet roll and tins of soup that I've not eaten. I have dishes in my sink that every few days, when I go to fill my water glass, I tip the water out of the dishes and refresh it so that it doesn't start smelling because every night I think: "tomorrow will be different, I'll get up, shower, eat, do dishes. And if I can do that much then it's a start"

 But I don't. 

 I've not eaten today. I had 2 slices of toast yesterday so that must've been filling. I've no desire to eat. I've no motivation, I've no reason. 

That's the problem. I've no reason. 

But that's another day. 

Love.