Insanity

The squeaky floorboards in the flat above are doing my nut in. They were never like that with the previous tenents so have they put down laminate flooring? It's been going on for months. It wakes me all the time and I have screamed at them a couple of times to just fucking stop. They argue a lot too which just increases my anxiety. Well HE shouts a lot and if it was me i'd have him whacked with something already. I'm so tired of this fucking flat with the rats (the place is stinking of dead rat at the moment), the vandalising neighbours, and upstairs driving me crazy. 

I'm thinking of putting my plan into action because I can't see it gets better than this. 

Mon 9th Feb. Removed from fb.

#MENTALHEALTHPOST:

Disclaimer: PM Me if you'd rather not see this stuff and I'll exclude you, or tell me to unfriend you. No one will know or judge, this stuff isn't always easy to read but it's not easy to live with either.

I'm not prepared to pretend it doesn't exist because it makes some people uncomfortable or they don't believe it exists. I'm not writing this for hugs, sympathy, pity, or attention anymore than people post anything else on here so please just let it be. 

Basically, this day can fuck off. It's one of the bad ones where I can't distract myself and I can't function, not yet anyway. I haven't cut yet but it's only lunchtime, I hope i make it through the rest of the day without doing so. I used to feel intelligent, I used to feel semi-confident, I used to feel strong. I used to have fun. I used to feel useful. I feel none of those things now. I feel a burden. I feel a waste of space, I feel like a loser. I feel so helpless and lost and tortured. Some days I can almost feel like my old self again. The Tina you grew up with, the Tina you went to uni with, the Auntie Tina who adored the kids (and still does) but I'm stuck in this limbo and it's been so long and it's so dark that I think I'm lost forever.

From Thursday 5th Feb. Removed from fb.

Look away now: #mentalHealth post: 

I've been seriously distracting myself today on Facebook, so thanks to you all for aiding and abetting, and particularly for all the perving! I've been posting all sorts on here today and it's been fun. 

Thankfully, even at my worst I never lose my sense of humour, but behind the jokes and stuff I hide my despair.  But when the lights go out and I hunker down to try to sleep the urge to hurt myself gets stronger and the battle gets harder and sometimes I wish I don't wake up and I hate it. 

Like now, when I'm really struggling with my mental health on a daily basis, I would say this has been a good day for me because I've been quite interactive. But I've still to get through the night. And the bad days too. 

They will pass though. 

I Have Nothing

To Post Or Not

"Making people change because you can’t deal with who they are isn’t how it’s supposed to be done. What needs to be done is for people to pull their heads out of their asses. You say ‘cure.’ I hear ‘you’re not human enough."

John Scalzi, Lock In

 This is something that really stuck with me as I was reading this book. People can't deal with who I am. Or rather they can't deal with my mental health when it's bad. It's bad at the moment.

 My open-mindedness and candid talk of my own mental health problems have become something of a problem, not for those who share similar diagnoses or experiences, but for other people who probably wish I could give myself a shake, have the whole damn thing disappear and shut the fuck up about it. 

Now, wouldn't that be nice? I would LOVE to not have these problems but I do, and so do millions of others. 

 Unfortunately, despite the extensive worldwide media campaigns to end the stigma of mental illness it still remains. Maybe they're scared of it, catching it from someone. Well you know what? They should be! It's torture. It's not contagious though. 

 I recently started posting on Facebook some Mental Health Posts because I'm trying to let people know how I'm feeling, you know, in case anyone cares,  because I'm tired of people dismissing it, dismissing me, whenever I try to talk about it in real life. So on Facebook it's my way of asking for help, a little support, and most of that support comes mostly from people I've met online. I'm not good at asking for help and I realised recently that it's because when I try to talk openly to family or certain friends about it, it gets shut down. Quickly. 

 Now it's not everyone, but many people don't like when I post on Facebook about what's going on in my head. if I'm having a good day and able to semi-function, or whether it's a bad one I just can't do anything with. They don't understand it, they don't like the self-harm and suicidal thoughts but, come on, I don't go into detail!! They have ups and downs yet hold down a job, do things with friends, maintain their housework, so why can't I? Hell, they can wash, eat, and dress themselves every single day. Yay for them. 

 I'm glad they can because not being able to is a nightmare. Curled up in bed on a bad day thinking constantly about suicide is a nightmare. Flashbacks of traumatic events are a nightmare, and falling asleep and having nightmares well... 

 I've barely eaten in the past 3 weeks, sometimes nothing for days, I've not washed for over a week, which is not a record for me, and the only time I got dressed was when I had to go to the local shop to buy toilet roll and tins of soup that I've not eaten. I have dishes in my sink that every few days, when I go to fill my water glass, I tip the water out of the dishes and refresh it so that it doesn't start smelling because every night I think: "tomorrow will be different, I'll get up, shower, eat, do dishes. And if I can do that much then it's a start"

 But I don't. 

 I've not eaten today. I had 2 slices of toast yesterday so that must've been filling. I've no desire to eat. I've no motivation, I've no reason. 

That's the problem. I've no reason. 

But that's another day. 

Love. 

My Tourniquet?

The problem is deciding who to try to call. Which one person to ask for help, put all this responsibility on? Or try several? When no-one picks up in the wee hours or someone does but they don't take you seriously, or are annoyed at being woken, what then? Helplines haven't been helpful in my experience and have made it worse at times. I'm not good at asking for help from people for everyday things how am I supposed to ask them to help save me when I don't know if I want to be saved? 

There's so much to say but who the hell wants to listen?