How low can you go?

What a shitty week. It’s been good, but bad. I wasn’t going to but I met up with some twitter friends on Monday for lunch. I knew people would be drinking so I wasn’t going to go because i know the frame of mind I’m in right now, drink is not a good idea. I went, knowing that I was going to drink, knowing that I would have a fun time, knowing that when I got home I would attempt suicide or at least harm myself in some way. It was my plan. Not "the" carefully considered suicide plan but an adapted one. I was ok with that.

Lunch was fab, everyone was on fine form and those few of us that were left got very drunk. Even managed to drag the remaining tweeter to Raffles which was funny. Bit of a long standing joke. Cue the end of night and walking home knowing I was about to die. I was fine with it. Then I thought maybe they’d think they’d done something to make me do it. None of them had. It was a good day. I felt fine thinking I’d be dying on a high.

For some reason I called nhs24 and spoke to a lovely woman. By this time I was distraught and wanting to die but asking for help anyway. A lovely doctor came out to see me and I’d had over 2 months worth of Inderal popped out into a glass with a large glass water next to it. He tried to admit me to ward 2 so ambulance came and took me to QMH I kept apologizing because they should’ve been out saving someone that wants to be saved. The doc said I was the girl who always apologises haha and the ambulance guy just kept telling me they were saving me tonight.

After assessment on the ward I was sent home, they had no beds, guess they hoped it was just the drink and that’s why I’d tried and some sobering up time would help? A friend called after seeing my tweet just after 4am while I was waiting on taxi and spoke to me till I was ready for bed. I had an appt with Hillview the next day so my counsellor had the report. I still have lots of suicidal and self-harm thoughts and they don’t realize I got drunk so I’d be brave enough to do it. I didn’t do it because I was drunk. I’d planned it but part of me obviously wanted to live and I called for help.

The next day I saw my doc and was signed off for a month so I had to tell my work what was going on. Seriously, it’d be a lot less hassle for everyone if I just got on with it already. I saw Hillview again on Friday and will be seeing her on Monday after an appt with my Psychiatrist. I have had another rough night of waking up crying several times. I dreamt of my mum and dad, and our dogs Laddie and Patch, all whom have passed, my dad gave me such a cuddle I couldn’t stop crying and it’s making me start again I miss him so much. I kept asking where Malc was and can’t remember what they were saying, did I see him in a different dream? I feel like I did? I need to know he’s ok. I need to know he’s not mad at me and I need to know if he’ll forgive me and if I can move on. Part of me is now thinking they’re here because they know my time is short and they’re here for me. Are they? Or were they here to comfort me to help me through this that I will see them again someday but not quite yet? At the moment I’m thinking it’s option number 1.

I have to go to my best pal’s birthday party tonight. It’s a cocktail party so it’s glitz and glam which I’m gonna have to fake and put a smile on. I’m sure it’ll be fine but I’m dreading it all the same.

music and lyrics

My Immortal by Evanescence http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEfxu-JNxjU
Was on Kerrang today and I just had to keep listening over and over. Looking over the lyrics, they ring so true. They’d mean many things to different people but to me it pretty much sums up my relationship with Malc.
It’s not a revelation to me, I’ve always thought this. I’d known him since I was 18, we met at college. Started dating when I was 21 and were together for 13 years. He died just over 4 years ago now but is still with me everyday and colours many areas of my life and how I feel about myself. I don’t want him to never be watching over me but he has left deep wounds and not just from his passing.
In the start we were best friends, it grew into more, I couldn’t get enough of him and vice versa. I knew I’d end up with him long before we actually got together despite me knocking him back a few times(he took drugs, in those days I couldn’t have taken him home to meet my parents).
Our relationship was probably not a healthy one and although I’ve no doubt we loved each other, maybe it was too destructive, I began self-harming and became so mentally ill I thought I was going mad. He was almost always there for me though, as I was always there for him and he’ll always be part of me but now I have to look ahead for a new song, for a new life, for construction not destruction. I have to change this cycle. I don’t want to leave him and it wont be easy, god know the last four years haven’t been easy but it's maybe time to move on. Maybe.