So it's 9 yrs. Your words still haunt me. You still haunt me. So many times I've wished I had succeeded and you subsequently failed or never tried. I'm really feeling it this year. Visceral pain. My emotions are so raw they want to explode out of me, I feel like my skin's crawling, brain burning, it's not right. I shouldn't feel this raw but it's the first year I've not been self-medicating in some way or on medication for depression. I'm here today with nothing pharmaceutical or alcohol-wise to back me up, to numb or block out the pain entirely. I'm still new to emotions, I've held them so deep for so long, even before you, that I'm still too scared to let them loose.
You manipulated that. You didn't let me grieve, you criticised when I was depressed, you goaded me into anger and frustration, made me feel like I was going off my head and it was all me. You made your friends, OUR friends, believe I was crazy. The only thing that was crazy was me staying, but you'd backed me into a corner of isolation and craziness, doubting myself, unable to ask for help. I had nowhere to go and you made me believe that too, you only gave me enough to keep me believing things would get better when, really, that was never going to happen. You treated me like shit. You really did. I didn't deserve what you put me through, what you're still putting me through. Or maybe I do, I don't know why though. I don't know what I did except fall for the wrong guy.
The wrong guy who should've just been a friend or a brief boyfriend, but turned into a 13 year relationship.
The wrong guy who hurt me so much when alive and continues to hurt me today after your passing.
The wrong guy who I sometimes hate so much but still love and miss.
Whatever really happened that night, when so much went wrong and left us with no real explanation as to why you died, I hope you're at peace now. I'm not.
You got your wish.
