I'm sure I'm like everyone else at the moment getting daily emails of "It's not too late to get that perfect Father's Day gift!" Ugggghh.
After twelve years it still hurts, I'm right back at his bedside frightened to hold his hand because I was scared of hurting him.
It's the same with Mother's Day for the past five years.
I know Mother's Day and Father's Day are a big deal, parents should be celebrated, my mum loved getting flowers and gifts. My dad was humble and didn't like fuss made of him but with seven kids Father's Day would never go by without us making some fuss.
Now those days are just ones I'd rather avoid. I avoid places because it's a kick in the gut every time I pass a card shop. Much like Christmas, it's so commercialised. It didn't bother me until the first Father's Day a few months after he died. I couldn't not buy him a card, I couldn't. So I bought one, wrote it out and sealed it. I keep it in a box with other mementos. I don't like Christmas anymore either, it's just too hard.
I feel so lost without my parents. After Dad died I'd lost my favourite person, I was always a daddy's girl. My life has fallen apart since then. I know most think it's because of Malc's death but it started long before that, it started the day the doctors told us my dad had a rare complication from the Polcystic Kidney Disease he had and there was nothing they could do for him. It triggered a landslide that buried me, and I'm still trying to scramble a way through.
My birthday's coming up and I hate that too because the next day would be my parents anniversary and a couple of days after that there's something else, but I don't think they do a card for Dead Boyfriend. It'll be nine years. It just tops things off nicely. A hat-trick so to speak.
Happy Father's Day when it comes Dad.
You were my sunshine. X
