Today I got two calls from the Benefits Agency.
I've been off work for months and attended a medical assessment last week to ensure I qualified for the benefit. I was worried about the appt. I thought it was tomorrow afternoon after I see my psychologist but I got the date wrong. In our last session we agreed to discuss it before I went to help prepare me, that I would try not to worry too much while she was on holiday, and that I should arrange to meet a friend after the assessment so I'd be ok. It was a good plan but getting the date wrong meant I went myself with no preparation and I stupidly decided not to bother anyone so I hadn't arranged to meet a friend. During the whole thing I was freaking out, for days before, and after.
I'm a catastrophic person when I'm ill. I'm always waiting for the worst and I was waiting for bad news even before the first call. I've heard of people getting benefits stopped and I knew the appt had a big part to play in it.
After the first call I was reeling, my mood plummeted, so I took precautions to keep myself safe then texted a friend and my brother. I wasn't going to contact anyone, (does anyone really want to hear my problems and that I'm thinking of killing myself? no-one cares) but I thought they'd want to know, I needed to tell someone. Logically, I know they care. I just don't know why.
These are the messages I sent to my brother;
Me: She called me back. She said I passed, she was worried that I was worrying about it. She says my money will go up. I'm so relieved but feel like a fucking idiot because I couldn't stop crying.
B: Why didn't she say that the first time? Do they take some perverse pleasure upsetting people then calling back to see how upset you are?
Me: Maybe. I don't know, she sounded nice, like she didn't want to give me bad news. I don't think they usually call back, i think she knew i was freaking. I mean i cried a little during first call but i held it together.
She said they were looking at my case and were about to assess it. She asked if I felt I represented myself fully at my appt and I said no, I was panicking and couldn't think straight, she asked if I had problems with social situations I said yes. I cried a little asking her if it was bad news, told her it was the day for it. She sounded a bit worried at that. Then said if I didn't qualify I could appeal in writing but they'd send a letter letting me know.
I didn't tell her that after the appt I had a huge panic attack in the street and people thought I was on something then totally shut down and zombied out, wandered somehow to the bus station, got home, cut myself and climbed into bed still zombied more than 2 hours later. Felt like I was walking through soup and I had to try really hard to physically speak to bus driver etc.
And with my friend;
Me: Got call from benefits agency today. I think they're stopping my ESA. Get a letter later this week but it doesn't sound good.
Friend: Why?x
Me: She asked me if I felt the appt went ok and if I fully represented myself. I said no, that I was panicky and couldn't think straight. She said that with the appt and the forms I filled in if I don't get 15 points that the ESA would stop, and that since I have a job I wouldn't get jobseekers. I asked her if it was bad news, i said it was the day for it. She asked if I have problems in social situations. I said yes. She said they'd look at it today and hopefully get a letter to me by the end of the week but if I didn't have 15 points the ESA would stop, I could appeal but it would have to be in writing.
I've really had enough of all this shit. I've shoved all my tablets and my knife into the tumble dryer, locked the doors and come back to bed. I don't feel safe enough to have them near.
Is there nothing wrong with me and I just don't see it?
How are you hon?Xxx
Me: She called me back. She said I passed, she was worried that I was worrying about it. She says my money will go up. I'm so relieved but feel like a fucking idiot because I couldn't stop crying.
Me: Got call from benefits agency today. I think they're stopping my ESA. Get a letter later this week but it doesn't sound good.
Friend: R u getn it then?x
Me: Yeah. I was freaking out. I was lying here wondering what happens when you don't have money for funeral expenses. Jesus, I'm so glad she called back. I'm glad I'm seeing psychologist tomorrow. Xx
Me:Sorry for being a spaz. X
Friend:Thats good. Ur not x
Me: I am. But that's why you love me. The good spaz. Not the oh my god worst case scenario spaz. Xx
It took just over ten mins for the Benefits Agency to call back. I wasn't expecting another call from them but I'm so glad they did. What a relief.
In those ten minutes I stuffed my knife and all my tablets into my tumble dryer, locked the doors, took the keys out the locks, and climbed into bed. I was thinking "this is it. I don't know if I'll get through the night". I left sleeping tablets and diazepam in case I needed to knock myself out to stay safe but I realise now there are enough here to more than do the job. I hope that if I hadn't gotten the second call I wouldn't have taken them all, but I don't know. Thankfully, she called back and I stepped away from the abyss I was teetering at the edge of. I was whimpering during the first call, the second opened floodgates. She asked if there was someone I could call. I told her everyone would be at work. She said she'd stay on the line for a few minutes till I was ok. This is a woman who has compassion. She didn't have to call and tell me I'd passed and she didn't have to try to soothe me and calm me down. She did anyway. It helped me so much.
Afterwards I thanked God.
Sincerely.
Stuffing everything in the tumble dryer, putting things in front of it and locking doors. Sounds silly, like that would stop me right?
I know I have to do things that give me extra time if I feel very unsafe, even a few seconds is enough to change things if my brain decides to kill me.
Every second counts. Every one.
I don't want to die, but sometimes I act so impulsively I know that if my brain decides to try to kill me that I could do something I know I'll regret before I get a chance to stop myself, which is why I did it.
I think about suicide a lot. How the world would be much better off if I weren't here. I can't stand the depression and all that brings with it. I remember waking up in intensive care years ago, Malc and my family worried sick, and I remember finding Malc dead. I don't want to put anyone through that. I'm very glad I answered the phone because I usually don't.
Someone up there is still looking out for me I think. Whatever happened to bring this result, I'm grateful. Very grateful. At least that's one verdict been handed down and a bit of a weight off my mind but I still have to fill out new forms because they need to assess it on income rather than contributions now. I'm still grateful.
